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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
4:22 pm - Why her? Why now?
"Jay," she whispered, as if to not wake me.

"Jay," she whispered a little louder as if to wake me.

To this day I don't know if she was talking to me, or talking to herself. Whatever the case, I heard her. I kept my eyes closed, my body limp as a sleeping person would. I even shifted when she first said my name, playing the part of the sleeping boyfriend well.

"Please don't leave me," she said. Her voice wasn't desperate at all, to me it sounded like a calm prayer to an angel or to God or whatever. The type of prayer one might engage in during the last moments of a grandmother who was terminally ill.

Again, was she really speaking to me?

"Please, oh please God, please don't leave me, Jay," she said again, this time with a quick crack in her voice.

I could taste the tear dropped on my lip as she hovered above. I did not move. I was, yes, asleep.

"Please, Jay. Stay with me. We can make it work, I promise."

I shifted again, screaming inside, wanting to suddenly "awaken" and tell her to stop. Instead I submitted to the intense sorrow in her soul. I was in a unique position in that I was privy to the silent prayers of this girl I once loved.

She traced parts of my eyebrows with her fingertips, then my lips and ears.

"Please..." she managed to cry out in a whisper.

Stop it.

I didn't even belong here.

The night before after I broke up with her, she called me frantic. Her parents were asleep she told me and she wasn't sure what she was going to do.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked angrily, in a way a father questions his child.

"I think I might hurt myself," she said quitely.

"You're just saying that..."

She interrupted "I don't know how I can live, I don't know what I might do to myself."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Just 2 months ago someone very close to me tried to take her own life -because of a boyrfriend. In fact I was in this very same bed at 6 AM when the call came. I rushed home crying hysterical. Nothing hits you like a suicide attempt. Nothing.

"Can you come over. Please" she asked.

I was livid. She was using my sensitivity towards suicide to "get me back." She knew, she just fucking knew that I would have to come over if she said such things. How could she put me in this position. She knew there was no way in hell I could resist her.

I knew as well.

My anger quickly turned to fear, guilt, and back to anger again. I sped on the turnpike, picturing that scene in the movie where the insensitive boyfriend finds the body of his suicidal lover and riddled with guilt sits over the body sobbing, apologizing, wishing he could do it all over again.

I had a feeling she had seen this movie too.

When I got there she was sad, yes, but suicidal -far from it.

I had been duped.

"You can stay on the couch," she said "I just want you near me."

I found myself in her bed, again. In her arms, again. In her life, again.

She had won.

The next morning as I listened to her pleas or prayers or whatever word you want to ascribe to her teary-eyed rant I knew she had me. And she did. And so I stayed, never, even to this day, revealing that I heard her crying and begging me to do so.

That was in January, 1999.

Today, for only the second time since our "real" breakup 8 months later we got in touch with each other.

I had fallen for another girl. I had broken her heart. It was my hope the past few days as we sent emails back and forth -and I even included this in my writings to her- that 5 years was a nice round number, that it was maybe time for both of us to slide ourselves into the realm of forgiveness.

People are not to be thrown out. Ever. Despite what has happened in the past.

Sometimes, what we need is time.

But I can't help but ask:

Why her?

Why now?

current mood: Pondering the past

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Friday, June 18th, 2004
3:27 am - Been a while
So here I am listening to a CD I have not even thought of in years, typing away in a livejournal I haven't given much thought to. Not since September 2002. So what is that, like 21 months or something?

Renee and I just got finished watching FEARLESS with Jeff Bridges. Heck of a film I must say. Wasn't digging the whole strawberry thing though. A minor flaw on an otherwise perfect Peter Weir film.

THE SPINNERS. That's what I am listening to.

OK bye

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Friday, September 20th, 2002
12:20 pm - The Lady Bug
I have always felt that the souls of the departed can channel themselves through trees, and dogs, and insects.

Psychologists and scientists would have something to say about that, I'm sure.

After Uncle Caliph died I was driving in stop and go traffic on the Major Deegan in the hot sun, when a gigantic black bug flew right into my window and onto the passenger seat.

This seemingly happened when I was thinking about him. I mean I can't explain it. It sounds like it "fits." But I wish there was someone who knew what I was talking about or could relate to what I am saying.

Anyways, so there is Caliph's soul in the form of a bug just sitting on my passenger seat. Then it just flies away.

So that's just a prelude to the Lady Bug.

Walking to my car from class yesterday **digression*** what a far walk indeed, trying to save $70 on a parking sticker I park in Timbuktu, Oswego now**

Walking to my car from class yesterday a LADY BUG landed right on my arm. I didn't know what it was so I freaked out and shook my arm and the Lady went flying.

I know this sounds silly. But I felt bad. I felt as if I was chosen for this visit by the lady bug. I looked skyward. Where the heck did it come from? The tree 400 yards away? Was it just flying. Whatever the case was, I felt as if I killed this bug by shaking it off me. What if that big was someone important trying to say hi! When I pass I am sure I will be able to transfer my soul into other living things to say hi. Anyways

So I am feeling bad, upset. I may have killed a friend.

So this morning at 9Am I am waiting for class to start. I sit up front and what not. So there all by herself is a lady bug. She is about 10 feet away just chilling.

So I start sending out some weird "come here lady bug" energy. A kind of catharsis or atonement I suppose. Like, its a chance to make it all better. A chance to say Im sorry.

Hehe.

So I am trying to will it towards me, and the lady won't budge.

Then class starts. Greeks, Persians blah blah blah, Pelloponesian War, blah blah blah.
An hour later the class has ended and I go to hand the attendance sheet to the Proff.

Whose hanging on my chest just staring at me right on my Libra necklace? My friend the lady bug. I let her play on me for about 2 or 3 minutes, crawling from one hand to the next, up my arm. She flew away.

Thank you lady bug

current mood: chipper

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Thursday, August 29th, 2002
8:03 pm - RIPPING OFF MY SISTER'S SURVEY
StuPiD SuRvEy


IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Where it was most needed, for someone who needed it.
Or Des Moines, Iowa.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Used to be my Mantle Jersey which I wore into the ground. Now it is prolly my Blue Shorts.

FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Neck.

WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
It's been so long. I think it was Janis Joplin's Greatest Hits.

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Hmmm. That's a hard one. With my dog, wherever that is.

WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
When everyone around me is having a grand ole time, and I am freaked out, panic attacks and such. Mostly happens at amusement parks, or elevators, or some kind of vacation.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
Detroit.

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
Definitely mind.

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP?
Lately in the afternoon, but that will all change once classes start on Tuesday.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
This question reminds me of why we lost Vietnam.

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY
feeling ganged up on, being accused of something I didn't do, not being understood clearly, war, injustices.

IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Citar, just like George.

FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue, yo.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Absolutely. But who really knows.

FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Whats that guys name. Light in the attic, sidewalk whatever, Shel or Sil or Silverstein or Sheldon. That guy, you know who I mean.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Fall.

WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
Taking out the garbage

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
To sneak into the minds of politicians and get them to act with basic human decency

>IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
Hitler and Bugs Bunny fighting over a box of tic tacs. On my forehead.

CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Shut the fuck up.

THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD TALK TO?
Christopher Leckie

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Flag day. Oh and the holidays too. New Years too.

>WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
Clothes for the Hope Mision.

>WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Chicken, chicken, chicken!

current mood: blah

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Sunday, July 21st, 2002
8:47 pm - U cant make this shit up
One thing u should keep in mind is that almost ALL of these things took place without Congress' knowledge. Many things the Pentagon does is without the President's knowledge. Sometimes the presidents know, sometimes they don't.

Whatever the case these incident's are all violations of International Law, and the UNs Declaration of Human Rights.

By the way I have a friend who is working for NYPIRG, a British girl who is attending the University at Birmingham in England (UKs answer to IVY league) and she told me she took an entire class on William Blum's findings and the CIA.

FROM WILLIAM BLUM'S "ROGUE STATE"

Watertown, NY area and Virgin Islands

1950: The army used aircraft and homing pigeons to drop turkey feathers dusted with cereal rust spores to contaminate oat crops, to prove that a "cereal rust epidemic" could be spread as a bilogical warfare weapon.

San Fransisco Bay Area
September 20-27, 1950: Six experimental bilogical warfare attacks by the US army from a ship using Bacillus globigii and Serratia marcessens at one point forming a cloud about two miles long as the ship traveled slowly along the shoreline of the bay. One of the stated objectives of the exercise was to study "the offensive possibilities of attacking a seaport city with BW [Biological warfare] aerosol" from offshore (emphasis added.)

Beginning on September 29, patients at Stanford University's hospital in San Fransisco were found to be infected by Serratia marcescens. This type of infection had never before been reported at the hospital. Eleven patients became infected, and one died. According to a report submitted to a Senate committee by a professor of microbiology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook: "an increase in the number of Serratia marcescens can cause disease in a healthy person, and ... serious disease in sick people."

Between 1954 and 1967, other tests were carried out in the Bay Area, including some with a base operations at Fort Cronkhite in Marin County.

Minneapolis
1953: 61 releases of zinc cadmium sulfide in four sections of the city, involving massive exposure of people at home and children in school. The substance ws later described by the EPA as "potentially hazardous because of its cadmium content," and a former Army scientist, writing in the professional journal "ATMOSPHERE ENVIRONMENT" in 1972, said that cadmium compounds, including zonc cadmium sulfide, are "highly toxic and the use of them in open atmospheric experiments presnts a human health hazard." He stated that the symptoms produced by exposure to zinc cadmium sulfide include liver damage, acute kidney inflammation and fatty degeneration of the liver.

St. Louis
1953: 35 releases of zinc cadmium sulfide over residential, commercial and downtown areas, including the Medical Arts Building, which presumably contained a number of sick people whose illnesses could be aggravated by inhaling toxic particles.

Washington DC area
1953: Aerial spraying from a height of 75 feet of zinc cadmium sulfate combined with lycopodium spores. The areas sprayed included the Monocracy River Valley and Leesburg, Virginia, 30 miles from the capital.

In 1969, the army conducted 115 ope-air tests of zinc cadmium sulfate near Cambridge, Md.

Earlier in the 1960s the Amry covertly disseminated a large number of bacteria in Washington's National Airport to evaluate how easy it would be for an enemy agent to scatter smallpox through the entire country by infecting travelers. The bacterium used, Bacillus subtilis is potentially harmful to the inform and the elderly, whose immune system is impaired, and to those with cancer, heart disease or a host of other ailments, according to a professor of microbiology at the Georgetown University Medical Center. A similar experiment was carried out at the Washington Greyhound bus terminal.

Florida
1955: The CIA conducted at least one open air test with whooping cough bacteria around the Tampa bay area. the number of whooping cough cases recorded in Florida jumped from 339 and one death in 1954 to 1,080 and 12 deaths in 1955. The Tampa area was one of three places that showed a sharp increase in 1955.

Savannah, Georgia and Avon Park, Florida
1956-58: The Army, wishing to test "the practicality of employing Aedes aegypti mosquitos to carry a BW [bilogical warfare] agent" released over wide areas of hundreds of thosuands, if not millions, of this mosquito, which can be a carrier of yellow fever and dengue fever, both highly dangerous diseases. The Army stated that the mosquitos were uninfected, but prominent scientists said that, for several reasons, the experiment was not without risk, and was a "terrible idea." The actual effects upon the targeted population will probably never be known.

New York City
Feb 11-15, 1956: A CIA Army team sprayed New York streets and the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels, using trick suitcases and a car with a dual muffler.

June 6-10, 1966: The army report of this test was called "A Study of the Vulnerability of Subway Passengers in New York City to Covert Attack with Bilogical Agents." Trillions of Bacillus subtilis variant niger were released into the subway system during rush hours. One method was to use light bulbs filled with bacteria; these were unobtrusively shattered at sidewalk level on subway ventilage grills or tossed onto the roadbeds inside the stations. Aerosol clouds were momentarily visible after a release of bacteria from the light bulbs. The report noted that "When the cloud engulfed people, they brushed their clothing, looked up at the grating apron and walked on." The wind of passing trains spread the bactria along the tracks; in the time it took for two trains to pass, the bacteria spread from 15th Street to 58th Street. It will never be known how many people later became ill from being unsuspecting guinea pigs, for the United States Army exhibited not the slightest interest in this question.

Chicago
1960s: The Chicago subway system was the scene of a similar Amry experiment [as above mentioned New York City]

Stockyards
November 1964 to january 1965: The Army conducted aerosol tests over stockyards in texas, Missouri, Minnesota, SD, Iowa, and Nebraska, using "anti-animal non-biological simulants." It's not clear why stockyards were chosen, or what effect this might have had on the meat consumed by the public.

************************************************************



Also from William Blum's (Member of the US State Department till 1967 by the way) "ROGUE STATE"

Bahama Islands
From the late 40s to sometime in the 1950s, a joint US-Canada-British team sprayed bacteria known to be dangerous in this area of the Caribbean. Thousands of animals died as a result of the tests. Its is not known whethr there were any human victims. Details of the test are still classified.

Canada
In 1953, the US Army used air blowers atop trucks to disseminate potentially dangerous zinc cadmium sulfide through the city of Winnipeg as part of its chemical and biological weapons tests.

China and Korea
In the early part of 1952, during the Korean War (1950-53) the Chinese claimed that the United States was dropping quantities of bacteria, insects, feathers, decaying animal and fish parts and many other strange objects that carried disease, over Korea and northeast China. The Chinese government declared that there had been casualties and quick death from plague, anthrax, and encephalitis, amongst other diseases. They took testimony from some 36 captured American airment who had purportedly flown planes with the deadly cargo, and published 25 of these accounts. Many of the men went into voluminous detail about the entire operation: the kinds of bombs and other containers dropped, the types of insects, the diseases they carried, etc. Photographs of the alleged germ bombs and insects were also published. Then in August, an "International Scientific Committee" was appointed, composed of scientists from Sweden, France, Great Britain, Italy, Brazil, and the Soviet Union. After an investigation in China of more than two months, the committee produced a report of some 600 pages, many photos, and the conclusion that "The peoples of Korea and China have indeed been the objectives of bacteriological weapons. These have been employed by the US armed forces, using a great variety of different methods for the purpose."

However, some of the American airment's statements contained so much technical bilogical information and were so full of communist rhetoric -"imperialistic, capitalist Wall Street War monger" and the like- that their personal authorship of statments must seriously be questioned. Moreover, it was later learned that most of the airmen confessed only after being subjected to great mental and physical duress, and at least one case of a beating. And some did not neccisarily know what they were dropping in their supposed explosive or leaflet bombs. When the pilots came home after the war, they retracted their confessions, but that was under threat of courtmartial, even "charges of treason," said the US Attorney General and other thretened punsihments -in short, great mental duress.

It should be noted that it was revealed in 1979 that the US army had experimenteed within the United States the use of turkey feathers to conduct biological warfare.

Moreover, in December 1951, the US Secretary of Defense had ordered that "actual readiness be achieved in the earliest practicable time" for offensive use of bilogical wepons. Withing weeks, the chief of staff of the Air Force reported that such capabilities "are rapidly materializing."

The United States also dropped huge amounts of napalm on Korea, an average of 70,000 gallons daily in 1952.

And in 1980 it was disclosed for the first time that during the 1967-69 period, the US had sprayed Agent Organge over 23,607 acres of the southern boundary of the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea, in order to strip vegetation and discourage North Korean infiltration.

Vietnam
For about a decade beginning in the early 1960s, the United States sprayed tens of thousands of tons of herbicides over three million acres of South Vietnam (as well as parts of Loas and Cambodia) to wipe out the foliage used as a cover by the enemy to destroy crops. The herbicides, particularly the extensively used Agent Orange, polluted Vietnam with with some 500 pounds of Dioxin, a nearly indestructible pollutant that is regarded as one of the most toxic substances in the world; at least as toxic as nerve gas, and highly carcinogenic. Amongst other health effects associated with exposure to dioxin are metabolic disorders, immunological abnormalities, reproductive abnormalities, and neuro-psychiatric disorders. Three ounces in the water supply is thought to be enough to wipe out the population of New York.

As many as two million people were affected by these posions in Vietnam ( in addition to thousands of US soldiers.)

In addition, the US Army employed CS, DM, and CN, gases which, Washington officials insisted did not constitute "gas warfare." They designated these gases as "riot control" agents. The army pumped CS gas -a violent purgative that causes uncontrollable vomitting- into Vietnamese tunnels and caves, causing many Vietcong to choke to death on their own vomit in the confined spaces.

The N Vietnamese branch of the International Red Cross and other International sources reported numerous deaths amongst women and children from these gases, as well as injuries such as destroyed eye balls, blistered faces, and corched and erupted skin.

US Deputy Secretary of Defense Cyrus Vance admitted that cyanide and arsenic compounds were being used as well. Other harmful chemicals employed by the US in Vietnam were napalm and Naphthalene flame throwers.

Laos
In September 1970, American forces in Laos, acting under "Operation Tailwind," used aerosolized sarin nerve gas (referred to also as CBU-15 or GB) to prepare their entry in an attack upon a Laotian village base camp, with the object of killing a number of American military defectors who were reported to be there. The operation succeeded in killing an excess of 100 people, military and civilian, including at least 2 Americans. How many dies before the attack from the gas and how many from tha attack itself is not known.

Sarin, which was developed in Germany in the 1930s, can kill within minutes after inhalation of its vapor. A tiny drop of it on the skin will do the same; it may even penetrate ordinary clothing. It works by inhibiting an enzyme needed to control muscle movements. Without the enxyme the body has no means of stopping the activation of muscles, and any physical horror is possible.

When the invading Americans were making their getaway, they were confronted by a superior force of North Vietnamese and communist Pathet Las soldiers. The Americans called fro help from the air. Very shortly, US planes were overhead dropping canisters of sarin gas upon the enemy. As the canisters exploded, a wet fog enveloped the enemy soldiers, who dropped to the ground, vomiting and convulsing. Some of the gas spread towards the Americans, not all of whom were adequately protected. Some began vomitting violently. Today, one of them suffers from creeping paralysis, which his doctor diagnoses as nerve gas damage.

Panama
From the 1940s to the 1990s the US used various parts of Panama as a testing ground for all manner of chemical weapons, including mustard gas, VX, sarin, hydrogen cyanide and other nerve agents in such forms as mines, rockets and shells; perhaps tens of thousands of chemical munitions in total.

The US military also conducted secret tests of Agent Orange and other toxic herbicides in Panama during the 1960s and 70s potentially exposing many civilian and military to these lethal chemicals.

During the [US] invasion of Panama in December 1989, it was reported that the semi-mountainous village of Pacora, near Panama City, was bombed with a chemical substance by helicopters and aircraft from the US Southern Command in Panama. Residents complained to human rights organizations and the press that the substances had burned their skin, producing intense stinging and diahreah.

Cuba
In 1962 a Canadian agriculture technician working as an adviser to the Cuban government was paid $5,000 by "an American military intelligence agent" to infect Cuban turkeys with a virus which would produce the fatal Newcastle disease. Subsequently 8,000 turkey's died. The technician later claimed that althogh he had been to the farm where the turkey's had died, he had not actually administered the virus, but instead pocketed the money, and that the turkeys had died from neglect ...
Also in Cuba ...
According to a participant in the project, "During 1969 and 1970, the CIA deployed futuristic weather modification technology to ravage Cbua's sugra crop and undermine the economy. Planes from the China Lake Naval Weapons Center in the California desert, where high tech was developed, overflew over the island, seeding rain clouds with crystals that precipitated torrential rains over non-agricultural areas and left the sugar cane fields arid (the downpours caused killer flash floods in some areas.)"

This said, it must be pointed out while its not terribly surprising that the CIA would have attempted such a thing, its highly unlikely that it would have succeeded except through a great stroke of luck; ie., heavy rains occuring at the right time.

In 1971, also according to participants, the CIA turned over to Cuban exiles a virus which causes African swine fever. Six weeks later, an outbreak of the disease in Cuba forced the slaughter of 500,000 pigs to prevent a nationwide animal epidemic. The outbreak, the first ever in the Western Hemisphere, was called "the most alarming event" of the year by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization." (UNFAO)

On a clear day, October 21 1996, a Cuban pilot flying over Matanzas observed a plane releasing a mix of some substance about 7 times. It turned out to be an Ameican Crop duster plane operated by the US State Department, which had permission to fly over Cuba on a trip to Colombia via Grand Cayman Island. Responding to the Cuban pilot's report, the Cuban air controller asked the US pilot of he was having any problem. The answer was "no." On December 18, Cuba observed signs of a plague Thrips palmi a plant eating insect never before detected in Cuba. It severely damages practically all crops and is resistant to a number of pesticides. Cuba asked the US for clarification of the October 21 incident. Seven weeks passed before the US replied that the State department pilot had only emitted smoke, in order to indicate his location to the Cuban pilot. By this time Thrips palmi had spread rapidly, affecting corn, beans, squash, cucumbers and other crops.

In a response to the query, the Fedreral Avaiation Administration (FAA) stated that emitting smoke to indicate a location is "not an FAA practice," and that it knew of "no regulation calling for this practice."

In April 1997, Cuba presented a report to the United Nations which charged the US with "biological agression" and provided a detailed description of the 1996 incident and the subsequent controversy. In August signatories of the Biological Weapons Convention convened in Geneva to consider Cuba's charges and Washington's response. In December, the committe reported that due to the "technical complexity" of the matter, it had not proven possible to reach a definitive conclusion.

current mood: angry

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8:35 pm - PATRIOTIC LOGIC
Patriot Logic says that if u dont agree with "ousting" Sadaam Hussein that means u love him, or least condone his actions. Or think he has done nothing wrong. Well, I say that I dont LOVE Hussein, just respect international law.

The IRAQ/US checklist.

Has Weapons of Mass Destruction?
US/yes Iraq/good possibility

Has Chemical and Biological Weapons
US/yes Iraq/good possibility

Has used Nuclear Weapons before
US/yes (8-6-45) Iraq/no

Has used Chemical or Biological weapons on other nations
US/yes Iraq/yes

Has used Chemical or Biological weapons on its own people
US/yes Iraq/yes

Refuses to allow UN inspectors to locate and inspect every single military installation Nationwide
US/would never allow such action, refused to let Michael Moore "see" Iraq/95% compliance when asked (source: UN inspectors)

Has used forced to suppress its people from gaining basic human rights
US/often (Birmingham 63-64) Iraq/ yes (Kurds)

Is a danger to the region?
US/yes Iraq/yes

************************************************************

current mood: exhausted

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8:35 pm - PATRIOTIC LOGIC
Patriot Logic says that if u dont agree with "ousting" Sadaam Hussein that means u love him, or least condone his actions. Or think he has done nothing wrong. Well, I say that I dont LOVE Hussein, just respect international law.

The IRAQ/US checklist.

Has Weapons of Mass Destruction?
US/yes Iraq/good possibility

Has Chemical and Biological Weapons
US/yes Iraq/good possibility

Has used Nuclear Weapons before
US/yes (8-6-45) Iraq/no

Has used Chemical or Biological weapons on other nations
US/yes Iraq/yes

Has used Chemical or Biological weapons on its own people
US/yes Iraq/yes

Refuses to allow UN inspectors to locate and inspect every single military installation Nationwide
US/would never allow such action, refused to let Michael Moore "see" Iraq/95% compliance when asked (source: UN inspectors)

Has used forced to suppress its people from gaining basic human rights
US/often (Birmingham 63-64) Iraq/ yes (Kurds)

Is a danger to the region?
US/yes Iraq/yes

************************************************************

current mood: exhausted

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Friday, July 19th, 2002
8:42 pm - My conversation with my brother.
I am so proud of myself. Dan and i havent been seeing eye to eye on world events. So this to me is a nice conversation we had, a civil one, no judgments or yelling. Just plain old talking.

KidJr73: thats alot of hi dans
Cusack Mania: and what, biatch?
Cusack Mania: Find me a job in Floooooooooooooooooorida
Cusack Mania: ?
Cusack Mania: Hey it was nice to see Jeb's daughter get jailed. Thats awesome
KidJr73: what kind of job...you do know youll have to be here for an INTERVIEW
Cusack Mania: more Bushs should go to jail
KidJr73: funny
Cusack Mania: Umm, i will come down for an interview
Cusack Mania: Definitely
Cusack Mania: U name the time and place, biatch
Cusack Mania: whats the temp there right now?
KidJr73: would you work in the warehouse?
KidJr73: was 94 today
Cusack Mania: Ummm, would I be able to organize labor and over throw management?
KidJr73: when it started raining...went down to 83
Cusack Mania: Moms gonna die down there, melt like a vietnamese child doused in US sprayed napalm
KidJr73: whatcha planning mr hoffa?
Cusack Mania: A revolution of sorts! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
KidJr73: jesus...take a fucking nap
KidJr73: 8-)
Cusack Mania: So u think moms gonna like the 7 month summers down there?
KidJr73: shell get used to it...everywhere has central A/C
KidJr73: besides.......
KidJr73: if she doesnt...
KidJr73: ill kick her in the hooch
Cusack Mania: if she gets heat stroke, I blame you
KidJr73: if she gets pregnant, ill blame dad
Cusack Mania: Or blame Mr Litzner
KidJr73: how are you doing
KidJr73: not funny
KidJr73: A hole!!
Cusack Mania: I am fine how are u?
KidJr73: im good
Cusack Mania: good is good
KidJr73: bad is worse
Cusack Mania: how are the graduate schools looking down there?
KidJr73: horrible sucks
KidJr73: i dont know
KidJr73: you gonna live with mom and dad?
Cusack Mania: Looks like it may turn out that way
Cusack Mania: But I have lotsa options
KidJr73: i know
KidJr73: youll be fine
Cusack Mania: Like going out west to touch indians
KidJr73: HEY!! THATS ENUFF!! YOU CROSSED THE LINE!!
KidJr73: do you wanna teach down here?
KidJr73: we need teachers bad
KidJr73: hundreds state wide
Cusack Mania: I am not graduating with a teaching certificate or degree. The only way I can teach is if I do "teach america"
KidJr73: i see
KidJr73: was a thought
Cusack Mania: U need certification
Cusack Mania: unfortunately I failed at life last semester and will not be ceritified
Cusack Mania: almost "ended it all"
Cusack Mania: ya know .... the big sleep
KidJr73: alot of teachers in Fla dont have certs, thats part of the education problems here
Cusack Mania: Those are math and sci teachers
Cusack Mania: SS teachers are in abundance
KidJr73: is that supposed to make me laugh?
Cusack Mania: Ummmm. a.) yes b.) no c.) maybe d.) all of the above
Cusack Mania: a.
Cusack Mania: Ok, sorry I crossed the line again
KidJr73: i dont wanna hear any talk about the "big sleep"
KidJr73: its not funny to me
Cusack Mania: Ok
KidJr73: im watching the death of Daniel Pearl
KidJr73: the actual video
Cusack Mania: Why?
KidJr73: i dont know
Cusack Mania: Well, I must say
Cusack Mania: Howd u come across it?
KidJr73: its the ransom Video made by HIS CAPTORS
KidJr73: FROM A WEBSITE
Cusack Mania: Oh
KidJr73: it was in its entirety
Cusack Mania: They bedhead him dont they
KidJr73: at the end of him speaking........yes
Cusack Mania: U are intrigued by real life violence like that?
KidJr73: his words dont sound like "forced propaganda"
KidJr73: it sounded from the heart
KidJr73: intrigued?
Cusack Mania: what do u mean?
Cusack Mania: well if not intrigued than what?
KidJr73: i dont know.........
KidJr73: i guess im educating myself
Cusack Mania: Im not challenging yer decision to watch it.
KidJr73: would you like to see it?
KidJr73: you might be interested in what he says
Cusack Mania: My puter does not have the capacity watch a video well

Cusack Mania: What does he say?
KidJr73: about the conflicts
Cusack Mania: Pearl was anti war
KidJr73: hang on ill quote him
Cusack Mania: I know that from what his wife said
KidJr73: i know he was
KidJr73: he says his name and adress
KidJr73: ............"im a Jewish American".........from
KidJr73: "weve made numerous family visits to Isreal"
KidJr73: "NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE..........."
KidJr73: "IS THE HARDEST THING"...........
KidJr73: "THIS IS THE KIND OF PROBLEMS AMERICANS ARE GOING TO HAVE NOW EVERYWHERE THEY GO.........."
KidJr73: "THE AMERICAN MILITARY PRESENCE IN AFGHANISTAN MUST STOP,IF WE AMERICANS ARE TO BE SAFE IN OUR TRAVELS........:"
KidJr73: "OUR GOVT'S FOREIGN POLICIES MUST CHANGE ..........."
Cusack Mania: amen to that
KidJr73: i agree
KidJr73: and..........
KidJr73: at the end of the video, after the beheading.........
KidJr73: his captors have demands.............
KidJr73: even after he was killed
KidJr73: "if our demands are not met, more americans will die like this...again and again and again......."
Cusack Mania: Well from what I understand the Pakistani government is going to hang the perpetrators
KidJr73: yes
KidJr73: the main perp was sentenced to death
KidJr73: the others got 25 yrs
KidJr73: but theyll prolly be killed before that
Cusack Mania: what makes u say that? how and why
KidJr73: there were 6 total
KidJr73: theres alot of inner conflicts within the groups and militants in these countries....the anger is not just towards americans..........some news reports have stated that..............
KidJr73: some groups of militants, or extremists, wouldnt let them go to jail...theyd be killed before they could finish their sentences
Cusack Mania: interesting
KidJr73: by Isreali sympathisers
KidJr73: this is not just ARAB against JEW, or Taliban against American, or Indian against Pakistan........
KidJr73: everyone is fighting
Cusack Mania: What do u think about a possible preemptive strike on Iraq to OUST their leader
KidJr73: all because of a little sliver of land
Cusack Mania: and oil
Cusack Mania: its aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall about the oil
KidJr73: that too
KidJr73: a strike? by who? i heard a non american plan was underway to oust Hussein.......something were not involved in
Cusack Mania: Ummm, source on that?
Cusack Mania: Believe me if theres a plan to oust sadaam, we are involved
Cusack Mania: Whether CNN admits it or not
KidJr73: i cant remember.........i think i heard that some group in Iraq was going to try and overthrow hussein
KidJr73: maybe there are 2 plans? you think?
KidJr73: are we the only ones who want him out?
KidJr73: is he only a threat to Americans?
Cusack Mania: Well the UK and the Kurds and Shiites
KidJr73: I think not
KidJr73: yes
Cusack Mania: What makes him a threat you think?
KidJr73: because hes insane..........hes angry..........hes on a power trip.........he has a stockpile of chem. weapons......his troops have shot at US planes recently........
KidJr73: what else
KidJr73: we put him there.....we helped him become the asshole he is
Cusack Mania: Hmmm, there are a lot of leaders that fit that mold. Why do u think we single out him. He hasnt done anything against International Law since 1991. And those US planes are flying over soverign Iraqi territory. The so called NO FLY zones. Not challenging yer argument
Cusack Mania: Interested as to why u think HE instead of say the Saudi's who kill their own people all the time
KidJr73: no one will ever reallly know exactly whats going on over there...all the reports must be taken with a grain of salt
KidJr73: theres "cleansing" going on in many countries
KidJr73: as we speak
KidJr73: even Mexico...right?
KidJr73: just in different ways
Cusack Mania: From what I have read he has at least 95% compliance for not having weapons of mass destruction. The reason we cant find the other 5% is because IRAQ knows that as soon as the indicate exactly where ALL of his military installations are the fighting will begin
Cusack Mania: What do u htink would happen if the UN tried to inspect the USA for all of our chem and bio weapons?
Cusack Mania: would we respect that?
KidJr73: prolly not........
KidJr73: but we have no intentions of wiping out our own people...do we?
KidJr73: we are not a nation of holocaust
KidJr73: not yet anyway
Cusack Mania: Well from a historical point of view, he wasnt "wiping" anyone out, just supressing insurgencies
Cusack Mania: And as a point of interest the US has committed mass civilian casualties in nations we were never at war with
Cusack Mania: Like Cambodia and a list of dozens
Cusack Mania: What do u think if armed militants tried to take over Wash, would the Pentagon act? Yes
Cusack Mania: My point is, everything must be looked at objectively
KidJr73: either way.....no matter how the threat came about...innocent americans will die....from what our govt has done and will do......
KidJr73: everyone is a threat to us
Cusack Mania: Yes
Cusack Mania: But why Sadaam
Cusack Mania: International Law prohibits the "ousting" of any leader
Cusack Mania: Why him? Why now?
KidJr73: do you really think his being in power is good for the Iraqis?
KidJr73: is good for the region?
Cusack Mania: No. But under what authority does the US have to make these decisions. That same rationale says that we could invade 80 or 90 different human righst violaters
Cusack Mania: And they could effectively invade us
Cusack Mania: When the rules are bent for us, they bend for all
KidJr73: it just seems to me that the majority of the worlds conflicts clearly have ties to somewhere in the middle east...whether we "butted in" or not........
Cusack Mania: btw, as a point of interest William Blum, a CIA expert and former member of the State Dept in 1960s wrote a book called ROGUE STATE which has a chapter on US military using chemical weapons on US citizens in the 50s-60s and 70s
Cusack Mania: in subway stations, and malls
Cusack Mania: Very well cited book, and respected author
Cusack Mania: Covert Ops meant to see "what would happen"
Cusack Mania: Make no mistake. we have butted in EVERY WHERE in the mideast
KidJr73: and they intentionally attacked, or otherwise caused an attack on americans?
KidJr73: here?
Cusack Mania: Yes
Cusack Mania: Covertly
Cusack Mania: Well cited book as I said
KidJr73: doesnt surprise me now
Cusack Mania: It shouldnt
Cusack Mania: My point
KidJr73: you told me to learn more......i have been as you can see.......
Cusack Mania: Every qualm we have with Sadaam we too are guilty of
Cusack Mania: yes
Cusack Mania: very good
Cusack Mania: Although we do it secretly and because we are so powerful we can not be held accountable
KidJr73: dont you think though......
Cusack Mania: The US sold Anthrax to Iraq for years
Cusack Mania: in the 80s
Cusack Mania: also well cited .... state dept memos say so
KidJr73: even now.......
Cusack Mania: Not now. Now we just sell nuclear technology to North Korea
Cusack Mania: part of the so called Axis of Evil
Cusack Mania: Large Chem. corporations have Wash in their pockest
KidJr73: after all the "oil" bullshit....these a genuine hatred towards americans, not just the government.....they want to kill innocents now
Cusack Mania: Wash gets paid off by the NUCLEAR industry, who return sells to whoever wants it, no matter the political ram
KidJr73: like we have something to do with the govt's "covert ops"
Cusack Mania: ramifications
Cusack Mania: Well .... by the same logic
Cusack Mania: The afghan civilians had NOTHING to do with 9-11 (15 of 19 highjackers were from SSaudi Arabia) and yet their civilian death toll has exceeded 911 as of a few months ago
Cusack Mania: Violence against civilians is violence against civilians
KidJr73: I work in disney, delivering on a regular basis to resorts and restaurants in the area........
KidJr73: if i was there.........
KidJr73: during an attack...........
KidJr73: and i was killed..........
KidJr73: would you still feel in a way like we "had it coming"?
KidJr73: that we "caused it"?
KidJr73: what did i do?
Cusack Mania: I never said "we had it coming" I only said that the political situation must be looked at as a whole. And US terrorism against others will NEVER be left un avenged and vicer versa
Cusack Mania: There is a saying in the ant war movement these days
Cusack Mania: GRIEF IS NOTA CRY FOR WAR
KidJr73: this is not about governments anymore.........its simply about whos balls are bigger........
Cusack Mania: And if u passed away GOD FORBID, it would be just as much an injustice as any other civilian casualty anywhere
Cusack Mania: Wheres the logic in saying, MY INNOCENT BROTHER DIED, so not YOUR innocents must die too
KidJr73: its a genuine fear i have
Cusack Mania: Thats what gang bangers say
KidJr73: Disney is a top target
Cusack Mania: I know
Cusack Mania: I have listened to family memebers of WTC victims speak out against the war at every rally
Cusack Mania: There are more than u think
KidJr73: im in a prime location for targets....Disney, Universal, Sea World
KidJr73: i know
KidJr73: id imagine so
Cusack Mania: So, a personal lost does not excuse perpetuating civilian casualties
KidJr73: its all fucked up
KidJr73: do you really trhink the US has civilian casualties listed on their "to do " list?
Cusack Mania: Yes. Always had, and always will
Cusack Mania: In fact a 1996 State DEPT memo just released thru the Freedom of INFORMATION act tells about the victory of IRAQU SANCTIONS
Cusack Mania: here me out on this
KidJr73: Really? Well i dont entirely agree........I think theyre just willing to accept those casualties
Cusack Mania: Hold on
Cusack Mania: Here me out
KidJr73: not necessarily trying to do it
KidJr73: go ahead
Cusack Mania: 1996 STATE DEPT memo says US will put on its list of items NOT to be allowed into IRAQ, cholrine. A chemical that can not be made into weaponry, but whose sole purpose is to clean Iraqi public water supply. The memo details exactly how many civilian/children deaths to expect from the policy. And that by making life "unbearable" for IRAQI civilians hopefully they will rise up and overthrow SADAAM
Cusack Mania: (hold on theres more)
Cusack Mania: in 1991 the IRAQI SANCTIONS had support of dozens of nations..... by this year only UK and USA support it, and thats because the international community knows that we are purposely ruining their infrastructure, public food and water supply in order to reach a political ends (ousting sadaam) It is state sposnored terrorism in its finest, and its illegal
Cusack Mania: over 2 million childrean under the age of 10 since 1991 have died
Cusack Mania: because of our policy of not allowing IRQA to have clean water supplies
Cusack Mania: The UN and international community are outraged
Cusack Mania: Thats one of hundreds of examples of a SPECIFIC policy of civilian deaths to achieve Political ends
KidJr73: point taken
Cusack Mania: Not to mention
Cusack Mania: Another illegal act of State Sponsiored Terrorism
Cusack Mania: Is our use of Depleted Uranium
Cusack Mania: Which is a Chemical weapon
Cusack Mania: We take our nuclear waste from reactors and make it into bombs and bullets
Cusack Mania: Its called depleted uranium
Cusack Mania: Its illegal
Cusack Mania: And we dropped hundreds of tons on IRAQ and just as much on Afghnistan
Cusack Mania: Effectively if u dont die from the explosion or wound, u will die from the radiation, get cancer or luekemia
KidJr73: what do you feel about the govt approving the Nuclear waste site in nevada?
KidJr73: it will begin in 2010
KidJr73: construction is underway now........
Cusack Mania: I think that YUCCA MT is just another in a long line of policies aimed at killing NATIVE AMERICANS
Cusack Mania: still
Cusack Mania: Why dont they ship it to a rich neighborhood?>
Cusack Mania: Nope. Theres just Indians there
Cusack Mania: They wont care
Cusack Mania: Most nuclear waste is dumped either on reservations or Black neighborhoods (like Barnwell SC)
Cusack Mania: Never in Westchester
KidJr73: how many indians? whats the popualtion numbers? how close is it to reservations? how many Indians are really gonna be affected by it?
Cusack Mania: many
Cusack Mania: Even if one is
KidJr73: what do we do with the waste?
KidJr73: where does it go?
Cusack Mania: Make it into weapons
Cusack Mania: hehe
Cusack Mania: Exactly
KidJr73: its a necessary evil
Cusack Mania: Ummmm
Cusack Mania: Nuclear Power only exists in countries that desire to have nuclear weopans
Cusack Mania: It is a "justification" a front
Cusack Mania: We could get energy thru renewable sources like wind and solar
Cusack Mania: But its too cheap
Cusack Mania: BUG BUSINESS needs to make its $$
Cusack Mania: So i diagree. Its not neccesary, but it sure is evil
Cusack Mania: besides which, would u take it in yer bakyard?
KidJr73: big business isnt doing too well right now
Cusack Mania: Thank God for that
Cusack Mania: One day we need to get into Chapter 11 of NAFTA
Cusack Mania: That will blow yer mind
KidJr73: Enron, Johnson and Johnson, World Com, ` even Kmart
KidJr73: this whole countries economic infrastructuer is shit
Cusack Mania: Well if they were shooting dice in harlem they would get 5 years
Cusack Mania: BTW, Cheney and halliburton is on the hot seat too. Sec of Army was ex executive of EnRON
Cusack Mania: BUSH administration has NINE ex CEOS
KidJr73: i know
KidJr73: all from enron?
Cusack Mania: CEOS have taken over the govt
Cusack Mania: No from oil, and pharmacuticals etc
KidJr73: i see
Cusack Mania: Point is, all policies they make aim to help their friends
Cusack Mania: CHENEYS severeance pay at Haliburton
Cusack Mania: More than anybody in thehisopry of the US
Cusack Mania: world
KidJr73: all i know is cigs are 7.00 a pack in NY. That shopuld help lower the teen smoking rate huh? Joe Cool isnt so cool anymore
Cusack Mania: haha
Cusack Mania: Tobacco Co, are evil
Cusack Mania: Listen to this
KidJr73: working at subway wont support a 75 dollar a week smoking habit
KidJr73: hang on
KidJr73: Pattys home
KidJr73: gonna help her for a minute ok?
KidJr73: ??????
Cusack Mania: RJ REYNOLDS writes a letter to the CZECK REPUBLIC trying to get theme to import more CIGARETTES..... in the letter they have an ECONOMIC model, breaking down how much MONEY their healthcare industry will SAVE after they get their citizens hooked, and more people die
Cusack Mania: okay sorry, go ahead
KidJr73: be right back
Cusack Mania: dont forget to read that
KidJr73: im back.....
KidJr73: I read it.......
Cusack Mania: another example
Cusack Mania: Of BIG BUSINESS valuing profit over life
KidJr73: understood
Cusack Mania: is
Cusack Mania: the airlines industry prior to 911
KidJr73: The crash in the everglades
Cusack Mania: the reason why so many planes are falling is because they are old ... made in the 60s and such
KidJr73: transporting the cannisters
Cusack Mania: So the FAA, and the Airlines and TOP economists got together
Cusack Mania: And figured that
Cusack Mania: They figured the cost of making new airplanes for the safety of the American people
Cusack Mania: VS the cost of projected payments to families of LOST people in crashed
Cusack Mania: *crashed
Cusack Mania: *crashes
Cusack Mania: oops
Cusack Mania: and it cost more to make new planes than to pay off the deads family .... so the result
Cusack Mania: No new planes
Cusack Mania: capitalism at its finest
KidJr73: its fucked up
KidJr73: i know
Cusack Mania: The payment to the families is cost efficient
Cusack Mania: Anyways
Cusack Mania: I have to go I love u
KidJr73: if the planes keep falling from the skies,
KidJr73: eventually.......
KidJr73: theyll have to build new ones
Cusack Mania: Are u interested in a comprehensive list of US military tageting civilians?
Cusack Mania: on their "to do list" as u say
KidJr73: sure. send it to me...and ill promise to look for a job for you
KidJr73: :-)
Cusack Mania: I will put that together for u, and make sure it is well cited
Cusack Mania: I think u will be shocked
KidJr73: actually, i think i wont be shocked at all
KidJr73: I love you too
KidJr73: bye
Cusack Mania: And remember the US is still the only country to be condemned by for International terrorism
Cusack Mania: For overthrowing a democratically elected GOVT in Nicaragua in 1986
Cusack Mania: Love ya bye
KidJr73: Bye

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
5:13 am - taking a crack at the PSYCHIC THING for fun
Mel2Shay: r u doing a reading>?

Stop US Terror: I can try
Stop US Terror: hehe
Stop US Terror: I see 2 young children
Stop US Terror: maybe 1
Stop US Terror: playing with an adult by a tree

Mel2Shay: where
Stop US Terror: Some yard
Stop US Terror: A ribbon someone wears

Stop US Terror: Maybe a first communion, or some family gathering
Stop US Terror: circling around the tree playfully
Mel2Shay: r u a psychic or not
Stop US Terror: Haha, ummm
Stop US Terror: working on it
Stop US Terror: I am new, but not bad
Stop US Terror: U dont wanna talk to me anymore do ya?
Stop US Terror: Know a Stanley or Stan?
Mel2Shay: OMG yeah I do
Stop US Terror: close to ya?
Mel2Shay: Im not the one you were typing too just a min ago
Stop US Terror: what are u talking about?
Mel2Shay: my friend was just typing
Stop US Terror: I see
Stop US Terror: and does what I mentioned to her (him) apply
Mel2Shay: when you asked about a Stanley I freaked.. my younger sister knows a
Stanley
Mel2Shay: to what?
Stop US Terror: Okay lets do this
Mel2Shay: lets start from the Stan thing
Stop US Terror: I am speaking to 2 people
Stop US Terror: correct?
Mel2Shay: not anymore
Stop US Terror: Okay
Mel2Shay: just ME
Mel2Shay: and its my screen name
Stop US Terror: the person before you was your sister
Stop US Terror: ?
Mel2Shay: no
Stop US Terror: Okay who knows the Stan?

Mel2Shay: not the one that knows the stan guy
Mel2Shay: my younger sister dated a guy named Stan
Mel2Shay: where do you get that name from???
Mel2Shay: R U him
Stop US Terror: No
Stop US Terror: I am Jay from NY
Mel2Shay: k
Mel2Shay: originally from NY??
Mel2Shay: or LA
Stop US Terror: Do u know anyone that drives an old style car, like from the 50s?
Stop US Terror: Never been to LA
Stop US Terror: Always from NY my whole life
Mel2Shay: kl
Stop US Terror: Hmmm
Mel2Shay: Im not sure
Mel2Shay: why
Stop US Terror: I dont know
Stop US Terror: Whats yer name?
Mel2Shay: I do... but he is not named Stan and this guy lives in FL
Mel2Shay: Melisa
Stop US Terror: Well, mel dont try to make things fit, ok?
Mel2Shay: k
Stop US Terror: Is the guy with car older, and maybe heavy. Comes around just for
family gatherings
Stop US Terror: or not often

Mel2Shay: omg.... not heavy but someone that Ive known since I was LITTLE???
Stop US Terror: He is alone?
Stop US Terror: no wife?
Mel2Shay: yeah
Stop US Terror: is he "big"
Stop US Terror: I mean ... tall, maybe not fat
Mel2Shay: he slept with & beat my mother behind my fathers back
Stop US Terror: Ok ...
Stop US Terror: Is his name an "r"
Stop US Terror: Ronald ... Reggie
Mel2Shay: no
Stop US Terror: Oh
Stop US Terror: got that one WRONG
Mel2Shay: thats ok
Stop US Terror: see when I saw him, thats when I saw "stanley" thename
Stop US Terror: I dont suppose it sounds like Stan or Stanley does it?
Mel2Shay: Im flexabile
Stop US Terror: good
Stop US Terror: me too
Mel2Shay: well... I dont know much about Stanley
Mel2Shay: just that they met in NC
Stop US Terror: Okay, that wasnt my question
Stop US Terror: I meant the mans name
Stop US Terror: what is the mans name?
Mel2Shay: and they dated prior to my sister getting married to his friend
Mel2Shay: the older man???
Stop US Terror: yes
Mel2Shay: mid 50's?
Stop US Terror: the one with the old car
Mel2Shay: Les
Stop US Terror: by his self
Mel2Shay: nope
Stop US Terror: Then who was that u said yes to?
Stop US Terror: when I said "lives by his self, drives old 50s style car"
Mel2Shay: no he is in his 50's
Stop US Terror: comes around for family functions
Mel2Shay: scroll UP JAYYYYYYY
Mel2Shay: not anyone that I know of
Stop US Terror: Stop US Terror: Do u know anyone that drives an old style car, like
from the 50s?
Mel2Shay: I do... but he is not named Stan
Stop US Terror: Yer all over the place, Mel
Stop US Terror: stay with me, eh?
Mel2Shay: Im here
Mel2Shay: just lost
Stop US Terror: I hear ya
Stop US Terror: Did this Les guy do anything to yer sis?
Mel2Shay: Mr Les is in his 50's & collects old cars
Stop US Terror: like he did to yer mom
Stop US Terror: MEL
Stop US Terror: I said OLD CAR and u said NO
Stop US Terror: sheesh
Stop US Terror: So Les is connected with old cars yes or no?
Mel2Shay: YEAHHHHHH
Stop US Terror: Les is not married correct?>
Mel2Shay: and is in his 50's
Mel2Shay: MARRIED??? yeahhhh he is
Stop US Terror: But he wouldnyt come over with his wife would he?
Stop US Terror: a lot if at all
Mel2Shay: well my younger sister told my father that she saw Mr Les & my mom in bed
& also Mr Les hitting my mother
Mel2Shay: during the daytime
Stop US Terror: Wow, Ok
Stop US Terror: But is Les a friend of the family?
Mel2Shay: until recently... yeah
Mel2Shay: I grew up knowing him
Mel2Shay: as long as I can remember
Stop US Terror: And he has always been married?
Mel2Shay: he still lives in the same HUGE house
Mel2Shay: yeah
Mel2Shay: inface
Mel2Shay: fact
Stop US Terror: When he comes over does he bring his wife
Mel2Shay: his 1st wife's name was Gail

Stop US Terror: Thats nice
Mel2Shay: this one is Goldie
Stop US Terror: But so not the answer to my question
Mel2Shay: I dont remember
Stop US Terror: Is it at all starnge for Les to come over by himself?
Mel2Shay: well, my father is JUSTTTTTTT finding out about what this Mr Les did
behind his BACK with MY MOM
Stop US Terror: Okay did your sister tell Stanley?
Stop US Terror: something about LEs?
Mel2Shay: and YEAH he is questioning my father as to why he NEVER calls him or
goes by anymore
Mel2Shay: I dont know but Im sure she did... Becky & stanley are really close even
though she is married
Mel2Shay: he is NOT
Mel2Shay: is this the connection
Stop US Terror: Who is Kelly?
Stop US Terror: if there is one
Mel2Shay: dunno
Mel2Shay: but back to Stanley
Stop US Terror: I feel that Stanley knows something about Les. Either something that
yer sister told him, or something he wants to tell yer sister
Stop US Terror: A secret
Mel2Shay: he & my sister musta had a secret sumpin sumpin
Stop US Terror: Why do u talk about it like its funny?
Mel2Shay: its NOT funny
Stop US Terror: I know
Mel2Shay: Im freakin out here
Stop US Terror: why would u chose to say "secret sumpin sumpin"
Mel2Shay: I know that Becky can NOT be open with her husband
Stop US Terror: How old are you, Mel?
Mel2Shay: and that Stanley has come to Louisiana & stayed at their place
Mel2Shay: and Becky has told me bits & pieces but would NEVER tell me all
Mel2Shay: I will be 34
Mel2Shay: & YOU
Stop US Terror: Tell u all about what?
Stop US Terror: 27
Mel2Shay: well Becky is older than you too... anyway.. Stanley is NOW stationed in
Germany and I think they musta had secret sex or something.. I dunno
Stop US Terror: Hmmm
Stop US Terror: Well
Stop US Terror: Thats kinda not what I was getting at
Mel2Shay: thats what I meant.. you tried to make it seem as though I was minimizing the
issue when in fact I was trying to lighten the load
Stop US Terror: I feel that Les may have been abusive to yer sister. Your sister told
Stan.
Stop US Terror: Either that, or Stan knows something about Les he never told yer sister
Mel2Shay: how long ago
Stop US Terror: I am seeing a first communion type gathering
Stop US Terror: 2 girls circling around a tree in a front yard
Stop US Terror: one (or both) wearinhg a ribbon
Stop US Terror: moms there
Mel2Shay: omg I dont know.. it makes since
Stop US Terror: Les comes out of an old style car, by himself. Red flannel
Stop US Terror: Red flannel shirt
Stop US Terror: blue jeans
Stop US Terror: greets yer mom while the 2 girls watch
Stop US Terror: what makes sense?
Mel2Shay: greets my mom HOWWWWWW??
Stop US Terror: I dont know
Stop US Terror: Do u think thats possible? That what I see is true?
Mel2Shay: please go on
Stop US Terror: Can u remember your first communion, or yer sisters?
Mel2Shay: WITHOUT A DOUBTTTTTTTTTTT
Mel2Shay: my sister YEAH
Stop US Terror: have any pics?
Stop US Terror: handy?
Mel2Shay: and this is trippin me out.. she told me that our brother made her suck his ....
ya know
Stop US Terror: Oh
Mel2Shay: no I dont but I can picture it
Stop US Terror: At the communion day?
Mel2Shay: and it WAS MY COMMUNION
Stop US Terror: yer communion
Stop US Terror: ?
Mel2Shay: I had a red velvet cake
Mel2Shay: yeah MY communion
Stop US Terror: thats a southern thing aint it>?
Stop US Terror: I had it in Bama
Mel2Shay: yeah
Mel2Shay: made like an open bible
Stop US Terror: Your brother is he a "d" david or daniel?
Mel2Shay: nope
Stop US Terror: rats
Stop US Terror: mark ... wanna know something
Stop US Terror: I was seeing biblical names rite before u said bible
Mel2Shay: sure
Stop US Terror: let me try again
Stop US Terror: I dont know ... Chris or a C, or Arthur or Archie or an A
Mel2Shay: omg... did someone invade ME>>
Stop US Terror: What a way to put it
Stop US Terror: Mel what year did u graduate HS?
Mel2Shay: 86
Mel2Shay: am I not remembering something
Stop US Terror: Whats yer brothers name?
Mel2Shay: Michael
Mel2Shay: did Becky blame him when infact it was Les
Stop US Terror: Or maybe he did it because Les taught him
Mel2Shay: PLEASE explain a bit deeper
Stop US Terror: Maybe Les messed around with Michael too. And michael was so
confused by this that he in turn did it to his sister
Stop US Terror: Cycle of abuse
Mel2Shay: omg
Stop US Terror: what?
Mel2Shay: how old was she
Stop US Terror: how old was she what?
Stop US Terror: U said it was during yer first communion. Firgure the difference

Mel2Shay: well what sorta time frame are you talkin about
Stop US Terror: years ago
Stop US Terror: Around the time of one of or both of yer first communions
Mel2Shay: you are validating my past.. I mean YOUNG childhood
Mel2Shay: you mean 70's
Stop US Terror: I suppose so
Stop US Terror: If thats when u received first communion
Mel2Shay: well yeah
Stop US Terror: When did yer sister find Les with yer mom?
Mel2Shay: dunno... back in the 70's
Mel2Shay: its ALL a blur
Stop US Terror: Ihear ya
Mel2Shay: my dad was NEVA there
Mel2Shay: and who knows
Mel2Shay: hell I got on my bike & went
Stop US Terror: I hear ya
Mel2Shay: it was ok back them
Mel2Shay: then
Stop US Terror: Did Les ever take u and yer sister to a carnival or circus
Stop US Terror: Like "play daddy" almost
Mel2Shay: fuk I dont REMEMBER or did I just block this MONSTER out>
Stop US Terror: Do u know what the Bucaneer is?
Mel2Shay: he is from Wisconsin
Stop US Terror: Its this ride that is like a pendulum\, looks likes a pirates boat and you
just swing back and forth
Stop US Terror: Wisconsin? Sucks for him
Mel2Shay: yeah I know what "ride" you are takin about but I dont remember who I rode
it with
Stop US Terror: So it has no meaning to you at all?

Stop US Terror: That u can remember
Stop US Terror: I think I am batting like 30% here, if that
Mel2Shay: presisley
Mel2Shay: meaning>??
Stop US Terror: Meaning I am getting everything wrong, I am the worst psychic EVER!
Mel2Shay: I think you are opening my eyes to a past I chose to block out
Mel2Shay: mean anything
Mel2Shay: ????????
Stop US Terror: Did yer old house have a big single tree out front, made lotsa shade?
Stop US Terror: If yer looking out yer front door, its off to the right a little
Stop US Terror: Big old giant of a tree
Mel2Shay: yeah
Stop US Terror: yeah to all parts?
Mel2Shay: magnolia
Stop US Terror: If someone were to park their car on the road, would they stop in right
in front of the tree?
Mel2Shay: yeah
Stop US Terror: Thats where I see Les. I dont know. First thing I said to yer friend was
this Stop US Terror: I see 2 young children
Stop US Terror: maybe 1
Stop US Terror: playing with an adult by a tree

Mel2Shay: where
Stop US Terror: Some yard
Stop US Terror: A ribbon someone wears

Stop US Terror: Maybe a first communion, or some family gathering
Stop US Terror: circling around the tree playfully

Stop US Terror: 2 girls, a mom and Les. he gets outof the car. Wheres Michael u think?
Normally. Why is he inside? Does he feel left out?
Mel2Shay: MIKE WAS ALWAYS BEATTTTTTTTTTT
Stop US Terror: by whom?
Mel2Shay: my father
Stop US Terror: How did he feel about Les?
Mel2Shay: dont know
Mel2Shay: TO THIS DAY
Stop US Terror: Was it unusual for him to hide
Mel2Shay: its hard to say... normally when my father was near I guess
Mel2Shay: I was really young
Stop US Terror: Where was yer father the day u took yer first communion
Mel2Shay: I cant say if he was with us or not
Mel2Shay: I dont remember
Stop US Terror: Gotcha
Mel2Shay: I just remember a pic of me & my mom next to my cake
Stop US Terror: Which looked like an open bible
Mel2Shay: yep
Stop US Terror: Were u wearing a ribbon, young Mel?
Mel2Shay: yeah
Stop US Terror: what color?
Mel2Shay: I wanna say white but it could be yellow
Mel2Shay: not sure
Stop US Terror: gotcha
Mel2Shay: I think it was white
Stop US Terror: Well thats the day that yer sister did that thing with michael
Stop US Terror: ?
Mel2Shay: dunno
Stop US Terror: Let me refresh yer memory
Mel2Shay: I was told back in the 90's
Mel2Shay: that Mike MADE her suk his dingaling
Mel2Shay: if not late 80's
Stop US Terror: Sure after u all flew away on a fucking spaceship
Mel2Shay: becky was born in 71... what do you mean
Mel2Shay: are you being sarcastic here....
Stop US Terror: You are 34 years old. Yer sister was sodomized
Stop US Terror: and u say "SUK HIS DINGALING"
Mel2Shay: by whoooooooooo
Stop US Terror: By Michael
Stop US Terror: U said it
Stop US Terror: not me
Mel2Shay: that was her exact words
Mel2Shay: thats why I used that
Stop US Terror: Mel2Shay: and this is trippin me out.. she told me that our brother
made her suck his .... ya know
Stop US Terror: Oh
Mel2Shay: no I dont but I can picture it
Stop US Terror: At the communion day?
Mel2Shay: and it WAS MY COMMUNION
Stop US Terror: Do u remember this part of the convo?
Mel2Shay: I was asking you if it happened on that day
Stop US Terror: That looked like a statement to me, not a question
Stop US Terror: I guess I should have figured that out
Mel2Shay: cut & paste then
Stop US Terror: Anyways
Stop US Terror: "was I invaded" u asked me that
Mel2Shay: yeah I asked you
Mel2Shay: I was gonna ask if Mike was sexually abused
Stop US Terror: Porbably by Les
Mel2Shay: because his wife told me that he loves anal sex
Stop US Terror: but what do I know
Stop US Terror: Mel
Stop US Terror: Anal sex is not a sign of abuse
Stop US Terror: Many mature consentual adults engage in anal sex. It is not the result
of abuse
Mel2Shay: ok
Stop US Terror: Anyways, u shouldnt listen to anything I say, cuz Im a shitty psychic
Stop US Terror: only got stans name rite any how
Stop US Terror: lucky guess
Mel2Shay: no thats not it
Stop US Terror: yeah yeah it is
Mel2Shay: how could that be
Mel2Shay: Becky is close to him
Stop US Terror: And everyone has a tree in front of their house
Mel2Shay: and he knows all about her
Mel2Shay: not here
Stop US Terror: Okay, well maybe Im a half good psychic
Stop US Terror: maybe I'll just become a carpenter
Mel2Shay: in the house that we lived in after we moved did NOT have a tree
Mel2Shay: only shrubs
Stop US Terror: Ok
Stop US Terror: well, Im off tobed
Stop US Terror: Thanks for stuff
Mel2Shay: k
Mel2Shay: stuff
Stop US Terror: hope u have a good nite
Mel2Shay: you too
Stop US Terror: ta

(comment on this)

Monday, July 8th, 2002
9:06 pm - How to Piss of an EX GF 101
FROM SUNDAY

SHARON, I TOO WAS THINKING ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION THE OTHER NIGHT. IT
AFFECTED ME IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS AS WELL. THIS EMAIL U SENT ME AFFECTED
ME AS WELL. I MUST ADMIT I WAVERED FROM MANY DIFFERENT EMOTIONS FROM ANGER
AND FRUSTRATION WITH YOU, TO SADNESS. U WROTE A BUNCH, AND I HAVE A LOT TO
SAY IN RETURN. SO I HAVE DECIDED TO RESPOND, INSTEAD OF ALL AT ONCE, TO
EACH OF YOUR THOUGHTS.

Dear Jay,
> I was thinking about our conversation the other night. It affected me
>in a couple of different ways. At first I was listening to what you were
>saying, listening to all the information you had to offer, and I realized
>that a lot of it was some disturbing information. I am still not convinced
>that it is factual information. It almost sounds like a lot of anger and
>resentment that's built up. If it is anger, I feel bad that you are
>experiencing such feelings.

ANGER COMES FROM TRUTH. YES, I AM ANGRY, BUT NOT IN A DESTRUCTIVE WAY. MY
ANGER COMES FROM FRUSTRATION. FRUSTRATED THAT BASIC HUMAN DECENCY IS GOING
BY THE WAY SIDE.


> I kind of look at life a lot like High School. There is the popular
>crowd and then there are the other kids in the hallway who go unnoticed.
>Often times the unnoticed character will do something in class to get the
>attention of everyone else, but are not part of the click. But we do get
to
>go to the prom. Well every other situation, I find is just like that. Only
>different levels and different status. For example the President and
>Congress, and then the people. The President is the popular crowd and the
>people are just the ones that go unnoticed. But we all do get to live in
>the country. And we all do get to vote. Like High School, there was
nothing
>we could do to change who was popular, and like reality, there is nothing
>we could do to change the President's ways, and Congress. We are the small
>people and that's how it is.

HOW IT IS AND HOW IT SHOULD BE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. IMAGINE IF DR
KING
HAD SAID "RACISM IS THE REALITY THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO TO CHANGE IT."
BUT HE DID.

IMAGINE IF GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THOMAS JEFFERSON HAD SAID "KING GEORGE AND
A MONARCHY WERE THE REALITY AND THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO TO CHANGE IT."
WE WOULD STILL BE UNDER A KINGS RULE. WE CREATED A REPUBLIC, AND FRANCE
FOLLOWED IN 1789, AND THE WORLD FOLLOWED OVER THE NEXT CENTURIES. IMAGINE
IF THE FOUNDING FATHERS GAVE IN TO THE KING.

CHANGE HAPPENS NOT THROUGH COMPLACENCY. I CAN NOT SPEAK FOR ANYONE BUT
MYSELF, BUT I REFUSE TO BE COMPLACENT. INJUSTICES ARENT "REALITY," IF U
THINK SO, THEN I FEEL SORRY FOR HOW YOU FEEL.


Even when we do vote for the President, it's the electoral college that
really determines who wins, and again, they are considered "the
popular"crowd. So I just feel that all that stuff you were telling me, true
or not, is just a lot of anger that you've accumulated, from people you've
talked to, and people you've started to hang out with.
> I don't mean to put you down, I just have this weird feeling in my
>heart, and I have a few things I'd like to say to you. I say it with Love,
>but honestly, all that stuff you were saying, almost sounded like it was
>coming from a Cult-like standpoint. Sounded like one of those
conversations
>that Meredith has with me regarding her Born again Christianity, and the
>conversations the Jehovah Witnesses try to have when they show up at my
>door. *I feel like when you feel that you have the actual truth about
>something, you really don't know anything at all*. All that stuff you
were
>saying was scary to me. I never heard anything like that, and I am just
not
>convinced it's all true. Those sites you referred me to, how do I know it
>just wasn't written by someone like you, and not the actual truth.

IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT A PERSON WHO SEES A PERSON OF PASSION AS MISGUIDED, OR
LOST. JUDGMENT IS VERY TELLING, NO MATTER WHETHER U BELIEVE THEM OR NOT.
TO JUDGE SOMEONE, AND SEE THEM AS SUPERFICIAL, NOT "REALLY" BELIEVING WHAT
THEY BELIEVE, AS IF THERE ARE SOME OTHER FORCES THAT WOULD FOOL A
PASSIONATE
PERSON (BE IT A CHRISTIAN OR SOMEONE LIKE MYSELF)INTO THEIR POSITION, IS IN
ITSELF A SUPERFICIAL OPINION.

SOMEONE SAID TO ME ONCE "I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY U THINK STANDING AROUND WITH
SIGNS IS GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING. THE PEOPLE WHO PROTEST, PROBABLY JUST
HAD BAD CHILDHOODS, OR ARE LOOKING FOR A REASON TO YELL AND VENT THEIR
ANGER. THEY PROBABLY DONT EVEN BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING."

TO ME THIS SAYS ALOT ABOUT THE PERSON. U SEE THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR OWN
EYES. AND WHEN U LIVE AS IF NOTHING IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR, THEN U SEE
OTHERS IN THE SAME WAY. HENCE, THIS APPROACH OF ACCUSATIONS OF BEING
SUPERFICIAL SAY MORE ABOUT THE ACCUSER THAN THE ACCUSEE.

FURTHERMORE, IF U REMEMBER CORRECTLY, I INITIALLY CHOSE NOT TO ENGAGE IN
THAT DISCUSSION WITH YOU. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE "PUSHING" MY VIEWPOINT ON YOU.

I DIDNT EVEN QUESTION YOUR "THEY ARE COCKROACHES AND ANIMALS." STATEMENTS.
I LISTENED WITH INTEREST, AND RESPECTED YOUR OPINION, AND REFRAINED FROM
BUTTING IN WITH WHAT U SEEM TO THINK IS MY CULT LIKE IDEAS. U PUSHED THE
ISSUE, AND I RELUCTANTLY TOLD U HOW I FELT. THAT IT WAS A LOT TO HANDLE,
IM
SORRY. BUT PLEASE KNOW, I DIDNT KNOCK YER DOOR DOWN LIKE THE CHRISTIANS DO
TRYING TO MAKE U A "BELIEVER" IN FACT JUST THE OTHER NIGHT A FRIEND/GIRL
OF
MINE SAID TO ME "KILL THEM ALL! KILL ALL THE SAND NIGGERS! DONT U AGREE?"

I JUST NODDED AND SAID "YES, BUT I WOULDNT USE THAT LANGUAGE, MYSELF." WE
WERE AT A BAR DRINKING, AND IT WAS SAT. NITE, AND IT WAS NOT THE TIME OR
PLACE FOR ME TO TALK POLITICS. U ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT, I DIDNT
VOLUNTEER
IT, SO IN THAT CASE, YOUR ACCUSATIONS OF BEING CULT LIKE, OR CHRISTIAN LIKE
ARE UNFOUNDED, AND A BIT HURTFUL.

> Well here's really what I am trying to say...Life is a journey and you
>have to do what you can to enjoy it and do your best. I am not interested
>in the Politics and the Propaganda going on, and the Democracy you say we
>don't have. There are other things going on in life, and who has time to
>think about, or care about Politics? Why do you care so much about the
>killing of Catholic Priests? They are just child molesters anyway.

UMMM, POLITICS AFFECT EVERYTHING. IF THIS WASNT THE CASE, NO ONE WOULD
CARE
ABOUT HITLER. HIS POLITICS SAID THAT PEOPLE NEEDED TO BE DETAINED FOR THE
SECURITY OF THE COUNTRY. AND THATS JUST WHAT HE DID. TO SAY THAT YOU DONT
CARE ABOUT POLITICS, IS ITSELF A POLITICAL STATEMENT. WHEN U DONT TAKE
PART
IN DEMOCRACY, U SURRENDER IT. WHEN U SURRENDER DEMOCRACY, U PROMOTE OTHER
FORMS OF GOVERNMENT WHICH ARE THE OPPOSITE OF DEMOCRACY. SO U MAY THINK
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS GOING ON, BUT BELIEVE ME EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL.


WHY DO I CARE ABOUT CATHOLIC PRIESTS? YA KNOW, SHARON, I LOVE U, BUT
SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT IF U KNEW THE HISTORY OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE BETTER, U
WOULD BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. THERE IS A VERY FAMOUS QUOTE FROM NAZI
GERMANY. THE MAN SAID "FIRST THEY [THE NAZIS] CAME FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS,
AND
I WASNT A HOMOSEXUAL, SO I DIDNT SPEAK UP. THEN THEY CAME FOR THE GYPSIES,
AND I WASNT A GYPSIE, SO I DIDNT SPEAK UP. THEN THEY CAME FOR THE
COMMUNISTS, AND I WASNT A COMMUNIST SO I DIDNT SPEAK UP. THEN THEY CAME
FOR
THE JEWS, AND I WASNT A JEW SO I DIDNT SPEAK UP. THEN THEY CAME FOR ME,
AND
THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT TO SPEAK UP."

THIS QUOTE IS SOMETHING I RECALL OFTEN WHEN I AM HAVING FEELINGS OF APATHY.

WHY "SHOULD" I CARE? WHAT IF WE ALL LOOKED OUR FOR OURSELVES? WHAT A
WORLD, EH? I AM SORRY, BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I CAN
NOT GET ANGRY AND WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT INJUSTICES SUCH AS THIS. ITS
AN
OBLIGATION, A SPIRITUAL OBLIGATION. ONE WHICH (IF U ARE SERIOUS ABOUT
GETTING SPIRIRTUAL) U WILL DISCOVER AT SOME POINT IN YOUR OWN LIFE AT YOUR
OWN PACE. THATS ONE REASON WHY I DIDNT WANNA TELL U ABOUT HOW I FELT.
DIFFERENT PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR DIFFERENT THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. AND
MAYBE AT THIS POINT IN YOUR SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT U ARE NOT READY TO HEAR
ABOUT THIS. U NEED TO LEARN ON YOUR OWN THAT GOD SEES ALL PEOPLE THE SAME.

A MAN MAY KILL YOUR NEIGHBORS, AND LEAVE U ALONE, AND U WONT SPEAK OUT? IS
THAT THE WORLD U WANT TO LIVE IN?

AND AS FAR AS ALL OF THEM BEING CHILD MOLESTERS, TO ME THIS IS A VERY
DISTURBING STATEMENT. BEING A JEW, U KNOW WELL THAT STEROETYPES ARE WRONG,
AND A FORM OF BIGOTRY. TO ME THATS THE SAME AS SAYING ALL JEWS ARE CHEAP,
OR ALL JEWS KILL PALESTINIANS, OR ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE SERIAL KILLERS. IT
SADDENS ME TO HEAR U SAY THIS. IT MAY BE A SIGNIFIER THAT U ARE NOT READY
TO SEE HUMAN BEINGS AS INDIVIDUALS. IN 198OS ISREALI SOLDIERS BURIED
INNOCENT PALESTINIANS ALIVE. THEY WERE TRIED AND CONVICTED OF THEIR CRIME.

MANY AMERICAN SOLDIERS IN VIETNAM KILLED CIVILIANS, AND IN SOME CASES
REMOVED THEIR EARS AS A MEMENTO. IMAGINE THE ABSURDITY OF SAYING "ALL JEWS
AND AMERICANS ARE RUTHLESS MURDERERS."

Why do you care about turning your back on the President? Honestly, it's
not
easy to run a country, and I doubt you would be able to do it.
It's just like disrespecting a teacher in H.S., you get sent to the
principles office. Or cursing out your boss at work, you get fired. Or
cursing out your Mother, you get smacked. It's all about respect, has
nothing to do with Democracy. The President must have some system to be
running such a country. I am sure he's got a system, and it appears to be
working.

IF U ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE FIRST AMMENDMENT, A RIGHT THAT THE LIKES OF
JAMES
MADISON, AND THOMAS JEFFERSON WROTE, AMERICANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF FREEDOM OF
SPEECH, AND THE RIGHT TO REDRESS GRIEVANCES. IN A DEMOCRACY YOU HAVE THE
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO SHOW YOUR PROTEST TO POLITICAL POLICIES. IT IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT PART OF OUR COUNTRY. WHEN THE PRES. TAKES HIS OATH OF
OFFICE
HE SWEARS TO DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION, IT IS A DOCUMENT IN WHICH ALL OF THE
FREE WORLD IS BASED.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE POINT, WHETHER OR NOT U AGREE WITH THE STUDENTS
WHO
TURNED THEIR BACKS. IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE POINT THAT IT IS
DISSREPECTFUL. IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE SAME AS CURSING OUT YOUR BOSS.
BECAUSE THE WHOLE FREAKING REASON FOR THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, AND THE
CONSTITUTION, AND THE FLAG AND AMERICA, AND EVERYTHING THAT SHARON AND
AMERICA LOVES, WAS THAT THE KING OF BRITAIN WAS NOT TO BE CURSED. HE WAS
NOT TO BE CRITIZED. HE WAS NOT TO BE SHUNNED. HE WAS NOT TO BE DISAGREED
WITH. HE WAS NOT TO BE JOKED AT. FOR RISK OF BEING DETAINED, OR SOMETIMES
YOUR LIFE. SO WHEN THE FOUNDING FATHERS WROTE THE CONSTITUTION, AND HAD
THEIR MILITARY REVOLUTION AGAINST "KING GEORGE" AS BOSS, THEY ESTABLISHED A
CONSTITUTION WHICH BEGAN "WE THE PEOPLE" NOT "WE THE PRESIDENT." AND MADE
THE PEOPLE THE BOSS. YOU AND I, NOT GEORGE BUSH. SPEAKING OUT AGAINST
YOUR
LEADERS WAS EXACTLY WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WANTED!! THOMAS JEFFERSON
ONCE SAID "THE SPIRIT OF RESISTANCE TO GOVERNMENT IS SO VALUABLE, I WISH IT
ALWAYS TO BE KECPT ALIVE."

IN OTHER WORDS, THE POINT IS NOT ABOUT RESPECT, ITS ABOUT RIGHTS. IT
SADDENS ME THAT U CANT SEE THIS. IMAGINE IF BUSH CAME UP WITH A POLICY
THAT
SAID ALL PEOPLE OF ISRAELI DESCENT MUST GO BACK TO ISRAEL. THEN U YERSELF
MAY WANT A "REDRESS OF GRIEVANCES" A RIGHT GRANTED TO YOU BY THE SAME
PEOPLE
(JEFFERSON AND MADISON) THAT WANTED THE PEOPLE TO RULE. IN FACT "DEMO" IS
A
GREEK WORD THAT MEANS PEOPLE (LIKE DEMOGRAPHICS) DEMOCRACY MEANS PEOPLE.
SO JUST BECAUSE U DONT AGREE WITH THEIR STATEMENT DOES NOT MEAN U HAVE TO
CONDONE, OR APPROVE OF THEIR BEING DETAINED. TO ME THATS VERY NARROW, AND
SELFISH.



> I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want, and buy what I
>want, when I want. I have the freedom and ability to do whatever I want
>with my career and I have the right to manage my money the way I want. If
I
>have something to say, I say it, to the people I feel like telling. No one
>comes knocking on my door and arresting me.

NOT YET. BUT THERE ARE WHO THIS DID HAPPEN TO. SO ONCE AGAIN, SEE THE
LARGER PICTURE.



I had a rough life growing up, I don't blame the government, or the
President, it's just a part of life. We are animals that evolved and are
trying to make our way. Some of us are lucky and born into the "Bush"
families and some of us aren't and are born into "poor" families that were
born under unfortunate circumstance. No one took care of my family but
themselves. My Grandmother was almost killed in the Concentration camps
when
she was 15, watched her parents die in front of her, my Mother and Uncle
were born shortly after the war, homeless, both born legally blind due to
the circumstances my Grandmother had to take care of them, barely no food
or
drink to take care of them. They made their way into the US, lying their
way
in, had to get sponsored. My Mother wound up marrying an abusive man, who
then abandoned her with two children, left her with no money, knowing she
is
unable to work with her poor eyesight. My Mother struggling with two kids
on
Welfare(Thank You US Government), trying to survive. Her Children abused,
her daughter sexually by a Man she trusted, who she thought was helping her
out. Her son physically abused by the same Man, and a few others that felt
they had the right. My Mother then ignored these problems thinking we would
grow up forgetting all these terrible tragedy's because she feels she had
it
a lot worse as a child, being homeless and physically abused by her own
Mother. Finally her children are grown, her Son, not so stable, 28 years
old, still searching for his career, unable to save a dime, getting screwed
over by everyone he meets. Her daughter, a fighter, had a dream of having a
very good job, a lot of money and her own house at the age of 25. She
accomplished this dream, on her own, with all the turmoil she experienced.
She can now take care of herself, not depend on anyone, and thank no one
but
her own for staying focused, knowing there is a light at the end of the
tunnel.


I have been recently reading books on Spirituality, not looking for an
answer, not looking for a god to believe in, because I feel there can't be
such a thing. What I am looking for is an easier way to get through life. I
am learning how to deal with it better, how to release anger and how to
cope. I have been learning something so important, which is to not sweat
the
small stuff. I am learning to be a better person to people and to be a
better person to myself.
I feel that I've been through so much, no one cared about my family or my
generation that I come from. We took care of ourselves. I have to continue
to take care of my own family the way I know I how.
> So you see, there are serious things going on, other than the things
>you spoke of. Things very real, close to home, things more true. I think
>you are one of the smartest people I have ever met. I just wish you could
>take that energy, and take that passion, and do something a little more
>real with it.

TO ACCUSE ME OF NOT DOING SOMETHING "REAL" IS VERY SADDENING. I HOPE U
FIND SPIRITUALITY, BUT WHEN U DO U ARE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE. BECAUSE THE
MOST SPIRITUALLY RELEVANT AND FULFILLING THING WE CAN EVER DO, IS HAVE
COMPASSION FOR EVERYONE, CATHOLIC PRIESTS AND ARABS ALIKE. TO NOT CONSIDER
ANYONE COCKROACHES, OR NOT HUMAN. YES SPETEMBER 11, WAS HORRIBLE, BUT
EVERY
SINGLE NATION ON EARTH HAS HAD "THEIR" SPE. 11, AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, IT
HAS COME AT THE HANDS OF THE CIA, OR THE AMERICAN GOVT. BUT THEY SEE THE
AMERICAN GOV, AS NOT HUMAN. SO THAT MAKES U NO BETTER THAN THEM. THEY SAW
THE PEOPLE IN THE WTC AS NOT HUMAN. SO WHY STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL? WHY
BECOME WHAT U HATE?

LEAVE THAT KIND OF HATRED, AND SELFISHNESS FOR OTHERS. DONT LET THEIR
HATRED TURN YOU INTO SOMEONE EVEN MORE FILLED WITH HATE TO THE POINT WHERE
U
WOULD CONSIDER EVERY PERSON IN AFGHANISTAN A "NON HUMAN" AND EVERY CATHOLIC
PRIEST A CHILD MOLESTER.

U ARE BETTER THAN THAT. AND IN MY HEART OF HEARTS I THINK U WILL SEE THAT
I
AM NOT JUST BLOWING HOT AIR. I LOVE EVERYONE THE SAME. I SEE INJUSTICES
AS
INJUSTICES. AND I FEEL U WILL ONE DAY TOO. ITS HARD TO CARE, AND I SEE
THAT U HAVE A GOLDEN HEART, BUT U LIMIT YERSELF, BY STOOPING.

U STOOP WHEN U SEE ME AS NOT BEING REAL OR SINCERE. BUT REALLY THIS JUST
SAYS SO MUCH MORE ABOUT YOU THAN ME.

U STOOP WHEN U SAY THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE ARENT HUMAN. BUT REALLY THIS SAYS
SO
MUCH MORE ABOUT YOU THAN THEM.

AND U STOOP WHEN U JUSTIFY THE MURDER OF GOOD PEOPLE, BY SAYING THAT ALL
MUST BE CHILD MOLESTERS.

NONE OF THESE THINGS EXEMPLIFY A PERSON ON A SERIOUS SPIRITUAL JOURNEY.
I SAY THAT NOT TO JUDGE YOU, BUT TO MAKE A POINT. THAT SPIRITUALITY IS NOT
WHAT JUST WHAT U SAY AND DO, ITS WHAT U FEEL. DEEP INSIDE. AND I THINK U
HAVE IT IN U TO SEE, THAT LIFE IS PRECIOUS. ALL LIFE. AND THAT LIFE IS
LOVE. AND THAT LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATION IS FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THE FACT THAT IT IS SO
DIFFICULT TO GET PEOPLE TO SEE THAT A MOVEMENT OPPOSED TO A WAR WHERE
PEOPLE
EXPLODE, AND BLEED, AND DIE SLOWLY, AND CHILDREN GET THEIR ARMS AND LEGS
BLOWN OFF, AND WHERE INJUSTICES WREAK HAVOC ON GOOD PEOPLE.... THAT THIS IS
A MOVEMENT OF LOVE. IF IT WASNT, THEN WE WOULDNT BE SO FRUSTRATED.

THERE IS NOTHING SPIRITUALLY OR LOVELY ABOUT WAR. SHARON, I UNDERSDTAND
YER
CONCERN FOR ME. I AM NOT IN A CULT. I AM JUST SOMEONE THAT REFUSES TO
BELIEVE THAT MAKING A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IS IMPOSSIBLE.


Not sure if it's direction you lack, or just seeking an easy way out, but
what you were telling me on the phone, I just feel like there are better,
more real issues that could use your energy. "Life sucks, and then you
die".
That does not have to be the case for you, a single person in this world.
Strive to make your life a happy one, one worth enjoying. I've developed
ulcers from all the stress I've had through my years. Now, I worry about
me,
and the life that Dave and I are building together. Whatever is going on in
the world, will always be going on, but as long as I am free to continue my
ways, that's all I need. One of the most recent bits of information I have
read about is to share your talents, share your knowledge. I feel you
should
share your talents, but use them in ways that could help the people in ways
that will make a difference.
> I did not intend to ramble on in such a way, but since you did the
>other night, now it was my turn. Think about what I said, and I hope this
>isn't any kind of Cult-like organization, I hope you are not brainwashed.
>Be smart take care of yourself.


HAPPY BDAY BY THE WAY. LISTEN I LOVE U AND APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS. NONE
OF WHAT I SAID IS "MAD" OR "ANGRY" I RESPONDED AS HONESTLY AS POSSIBLE.
ALTHOUGH I MUST SAY THAT I WAS A LITTLE HURT THAT U SEE MY PASSION AS
INSINCERE, AND MY PATH AS MISGUIDED.

BY THE WAY, AT ANOTHER TIME AND ANOTHER PLACE, I CAN SEND U MULTIPLE
REPUTABLE SOURCES ABOUT EACH SUBJECT. JUST AS A BRIEF EXAMPLE, THE SCHOOL
OF THE AMERICAS, WAS NOT JUST SOME INTERNET THING MADE UP BY SOMEONE LIKE
ME. IN FACT SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES ARE TRYING TO CLOSE IT DOWN TOO,
THRU A PIECE OF LEGISLATION CALLED "HOUSE RESOLUTION 1810." YOU CAN VIEW
IT
AT CONGRESS.ORG, OR JUST DO A GOOGLE SEARCH. IT IS SPONSORED BY BOTH
DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN SENATORS, AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT ITS NOT
JUST
THE "JAYS" OF THE WORLD WHO KNOW. sO CALLED "REGULAR FOLKS" ARE AGAINST IT
TOO. IN FACT YOU CAN CALL YOUR REP. AND ASK HIM OR HER TO SPONSOR HR 1810.

SO U MAY QUESTION THE FACTUAL INFO, BUT IM NOT ALONE HERE. EVEN U.S.
POLITICIANS ARE WITH ME. HR 1810, CHECK IT OUT, I PROMISE U ITS NOT A
SECRET, OR A CULT IMAGINARY CONSPIRACY!

THE INFO IS OUT THERE, SHARON. ANALYZE, AND STUDY IT. AND REMEMBER,
NOBODY
WANTED TO BELIEVE THE HOLOCAUST WAS HAPPENING EITHER, BUT IT DID. BURYING
YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING, IT JUST MAKES INJUSTICES EASIER.


WELL, ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY BDAY. THIS EXCHANGE HAS BEEN POSITIVE. PLEASE DO
NOT BE OFFSET BY MY HONESTY. IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO PUT YOUR EMAIL
INTO PERSPECTIVE BY IMAGING IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY A NON-JEW IN 1939 IN
GERMANY TO A PROTESTING JEW. I HAVE CHANGED WORDS WHERE FIT. PLEASE READ
OBJECTIVELY, AND MEDITATE ON MY POINT. I FEEL THAT AS A JEWISH PERSON (AND
MOM RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT YES EVEN WE TOO LOST FAMILY IN THE HOLOCAUST,
SO i AM JEWSIH TOO!) YOU SHOULD FEEL MORE STRONGLY ABOUT NOT ALLOWING
IGNORANCE AND COMPLACENCY TOWARDS PEOPLE NOT LIKE YERSELF. THAT IS HOW THE
HOLOCAUST WAS ALLOWED TO GO ON FOR SO LONG. TOO MANY NON-JEWS TOOK YER
POSITION.

**********************************************************************************************************

FROM MONDAY

There are many mis-interpretations in your response. I choose not to
continue to explain myself. I feel you are brainwashed and using ur energy
in a way that will not be enough to change the world. Good Luck with your
Cult-like ways...for I want nothing to do with them. I never said you are
pushing your ideas on me, I did ask, but then realized how you spoke for an
hour straight. I feel it was just stuff re-gurgitated from other mouths,
also angry. I don't feel you researched all that stuff on your own. From my
experience, those who just talk like that, who think they know a lot, don't
know anything at all!!!! Not sure how you can sleep and live with all the
anger that you have and all the knowledge that you think you have. Good
Luck, and stay away from me while you are in this phase. Perhaps if you
change in a couple of years, you can give me a call again. But until
then...enjoy your brainwashings, and I can only hope this will not last for
long!!! You are too smart to be wasting yourself, and again, I feel it's
lack of direction in your life to bring you to this point!!!!

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
7:22 pm - Say what?
You'll be happy when


You go back to school
when you quit school
when you go back to work
when you quit work
when you find a girl
when you break her heart
when you stay at home
when you move out
when you get that new "whatever"
when you throw out your favorite posession
when you quit
when you fail
when you stop
when you start
when you move
when you stay



if happiness is always right around the corner, then what the fuck?

current mood: embarrassed

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Monday, March 25th, 2002
9:36 pm
The Buddhists call it IMPERMENANCE ...

they meticulously, laboriously, and tediously shovel out one tiny little colored grain of sand at a time, and for months, weeks, sit on the ground and create a beautiful, elaborate MANDALA ....

I have seen them, they are so beautiful, so many different colors, so INTRICATE!

And then what do they do, after they have finished?

They DESTROY it. Impermenance. Nothing lasts forever in the same state.

The Buddhists also construct these beautiful, fantastic, elaborate sculptures out of butter, only to leave them in the sun to melt.

Nothing lasts forever.

The Buddhists call this impermenance, I call it life. (Although they may call it that too.)

Where has my fire gone.

Am I full of shit? Does my rhetoric out balance my feelings. Am I full of shit?

What do I want?

Aint that the 64,000 dollar question.

Mr. Daly reminds me today of the Global Injustices. First day of school and he quotes Paulo Friere to me. Aint that the shit?

Said he was in Nicaragua, Salvador. I asked him about El Mozote.

This is Social Justice he said to me. What we are doing here is social justice.

Yes it is.

What the fuck am I afraid of?

Classroom discussion king afraid to get his feet wet in the real world of social justice?

Aint that the shit?

Hey rhetoric boy, go save the world as planned.

If not, u aint any better than those who pointed their fingers in yer face and called you a blind idealist.

Prove them wrong.

The fight is never easy, in fact the easy fight aint a fight at all, its a distraction, a fictitious wave of justice, a big pile of steaming dog shit.

Prove em all wrong.

Fuck em all.

Do it.

current mood: confused

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Friday, March 22nd, 2002
9:30 pm - What shall we call this new drink?
The plan.

Wait.

Oh, that's mature, huh?

Well it worked.

She called me last nite, around 6 PM, while Brandon and I were watching GHOSTWORLD (killer movie btw.) I said "I was gonna call you." (and I WAS!) That was "THE PLAN." Call Thursday nite, I thought prolly later around 9 or 10. She is leaving for Spring Break on Fri afternoon, so if we didnt hang on Thursday Nite, then we wouldnt see each other until after break, and who knows by then we may have forgotten about hanging out. Well, one thing would be for sure, getting back in touch and hanging again, would be that much more difficult.

So, she calls. To my surprise she apologized for being a bit of a bitch on the phone on Sunday. I thought that was her way of telling me she didnt like me and stuff, turns out that she was just having a bad day.

She also said that she thought I didnt like her, cuz I havent called her since Thursday.

The ego in me wants to scream

"HA! Now I hold the cards."

Nah.

Aint no cards to hold, just have to remember to relax, and not read so much into everything.

Anyways, so last nite I pick her up and see her dorm, her roommate is there. She is already drunk. We go back to my house, and clean up for when Shawn and CO. come home after their long and trying Supreme Court case.

It was nice of her to help me clean.

Shawn coems home with christiand and josh.

She has wine. she doesnt need it. But she has it.

I had this concotion, something new and interesting. How about 6 part Vodka, 4 part rum, and 4 part Iced tea.

Had a few of those, they did me well.

Sat on the couch and looked thru pictures. We started sitting close and holding hands and stuff - nice girl, ya know?

Anyways.

I was wondering what she thought of all the pics of Sharon in there ...

"whats that tatoo of?"
"I dont know."
"you went out with this girl for 5 years, and u dont know what her tattooes look like?"
"oh. this picture is from after we broke up."

Also wondered what she thought of the really UNATTRACTIVE pics of me licking my guitar and Chris's saxophone at Pimpcore gigs and stuff ...

Anyways, after about 90 minutes, we retire to my room. "Wanna hear a song" i say.

Because there were some pictures missing from my album, she asks where they are.
I tell her that I made a video for Chris when he left for oregon, and then I started singing the song I used. "Of course" by janes.

Then I start thinking how drunk I was, and how great it would be to drag her into my room, turn on the blacklight and put on "3 days."

So I do. I say to her "wanna hear a song?" and off we go.

I like to sing to her, its fun. Dont know how she feels about it. whatever.

So we go into my room, we are both pretty lit, in fact I was wondering if I was tooooo lit. Had had 3 of those new drinks that I wanted to find a name for. We stand up, and kiss, and I puch her against the wall ...

"I wanna knock down my pictures!" i say excitedly
"youre insane" she says.

I just thought it would be fun to knock em all down.

::::Shrugs::::

I put on Ween, and then radiohead.

we layed down.

I wish she stayed, we both fell asleep.

She woke me up and asked me to drive her home.

She was very apologetic about falling asleep. I told her not to sweat it.

All in all, a great night. I had fun, and she is a nice girl.

Toying with the idea of asking her to Debs wedding. I guess I will continue to check my horoscope to see if I should. Superstitions. I know, I know.

Fuck if I know, maybe my moon is in Virgo.

Wont see her again till after break. I am glad we are going slow. Dont wanna make any mistakes.

Stay honest
Stay clear
Stay calm

Its been almost 3 years since Ive went out with anyone.

Seems like forever.

wish me luck.

Oh and the new drink? Lets call it an Oswego Iced Tea.

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
6:45 am - Steal me
I dont know why
noone wants to be my girlfriend
My adonis like features and flawless physique
Im fucking charming

someone give me a chance
I can do the romance
thing

I dont know why
noone wants to be my girlfriend
I can rub your toes
and make you some easy mac

someone give me a chance
be impressed by how I dance
watch me

:::dances::::

Ive got charm
Ive got wit
I live with my parents
get used to it

Ive got rhyme
Ive got beat
Ive got beat and rhyme

watch me

Im a nice guy
Im a nice guy
give me a chance
give me a chance
im gonna cry
im gonna cry
give me a chance
give me a chance
342 342
give me a call
give me a call


thank you

current mood: blah

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Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
6:04 pm - /\ X \ S 0f |E \/ ! I_
Interesting how the Prez failed to mention Saudi Arabia and China in his now infamous "Axis of Evil" speech.

China has not allowed Human Rights teams in the country for years. Saudi Arabia and China both rank up there as far as Human rights violaters.

So why Iran, Iraq, and N. Korea?

Could it be that S.A. is an oil rich nation, which is allowing the US to keep our military bases there?
Could it be China is finally being allowed in to the WTO, and is one of our biggest sources of goods.

Hmmmm. So lets get this straight. If you slaughter your own people, and continue to ignore human righst concerns you are evil, if and only if you have no viable commodity for the US economic interests.

Well. That sounds like a great definition of evil to me.

Evil but ....

You are only evil if we cant make money off ya, or if you arent our friend.

Interesting take. If George W. uses such extremist language like this, how are we to take it serious. You cant have conditional evil, can ya?

Well Chinas not easy, cuz their cheap (slave) labor benefits the American Capitalist economy. And Saudi Arabias regime which ruthlessly oppresses its own people, and which the US Military MADE their female soldiers where veils while on duty there, a country where you can have your head removed for a variety of crimes, this country is NOT evil. Only because they are in bed with the oil interests in the US. Let us not forget Cheney was an oil CEO, Condoleeza Rice was head of Haliburton or however you fucking say that.

Not like they are saints, but an interesting point about Iran.

Did you know, more women ran for president in Iran than in the US in 2000?

Did you know the US is one of only 4 countries which still executes minors?

Did you know the US exported Anthrax to Iraq for much of their 10 year war with Iran?

Did you know the US in order to get rid of some of its nuclear waste, uses uranium in its bullets and bombs, a clear violation of International Law. These weapons are meant not just to kill but to radiate.

And now we have soldiers in the Phillipines, and the former Soviet republics like georgia. Columbia is next they say maybe. Then what? Until the US military is spread throughout the world, trying to erradicate evil?

Damn ambitious.

But well, you have stock in defense contractors. So you make personal $$ when theres a war. So no, theres NOOOOO conflict of interest there. Fuck the Carlyle Group, fuck the US patriot Act, and fuck the Axis of Evil.

The true Axis of Evil is oil, money, and greed.

current mood: bitchy

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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
12:45 pm - Defending myself against accusations of manic depression
Live journal please save me.

Irresponsibility has hit me square in the head, like a five year old whacking his younger sister with a whiffle ball bat.

But what is it?

A failure to deal with adversity?

A broken down car, a few snowflakes, a rowdy 8th period, lack of sleep .... shouldnt I be able to overcome all of this? Arent I superman? Where have u gone superman?

My dirty clothes pile high, my bills await me each of them equally as tardy as expensive, my car waits to be picked up, my accound thins, my dream wavers, my desire to wake up disipates.

And yet I am superman.

I was superman.

Where did he go?

I can do anything, remember. I am superman.

So then why the fuck did I regress this morning and call Mrs pennock and tell her I was ill, just to not have to deal with ANYTHING today? Is that what other responsible people do? Had I planned I would have been ok with going in. I am deathly afraid of underplanning.

But fuck its not like I have had the time.

My car situation has given me two consecutive 18 hour stress days. Meaning the last 2 days I wasnt even settled until 10-1030 on either night. Last nite just getting home from campus was absurd. Taking the wrong fucking bus, standing outside in 8 degree weather, and 30 MPH winds, just because I cant read a fucking schedule. And I plop my ass down and what do I do when I get home. Call Julia at 9, and fall asleep at 930. Next thing I know its 530 AM. Just an hour before Jim comes get me.

No dittos. No worksheets. No idea what to say, do.

I KNOW!!!

Fake an illness, superman.

Wow. Thats something every ambitious 27 year old should do.

THEN

(heres the GREAT part)

THEN sleep in until 12 Noon, stay in yer noxers, put on radiohead and cry like a bitch.

done.

Well, my car is less than I thought, but still. I expect to run out of my nest egg by May

Poor me.

but theres NO fucking way Im not coming home for break. NO WAY!!!

Whatever.

Superman signing out ... trying to field this overwhelming feeling of guilt and ineptitude.

I said fuck you today to my horoscope.

She says to me:
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
If you've been enjoying yourself a little too much lately, today might be a good time to take a step back. No matter how much you might feel like doing your own thing and having a good time right now, other matters are likely to require your attention. And there's bound to be some things that you'll just have to deal with at this time.

FUCK YOU!

current mood: bitchy

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Sunday, February 10th, 2002
12:38 pm - The Thing
Who knows?

I am surprisingly not anxious.

Why?

All this uncertainty, all of this doubt.

And yet I am surprisingly calm, relaxed, clear.

What the fuck?

Just does not fit my MO.

Having lengthy conversations with friends also student teaching "is THIS really what I want, or cut out for?"

Ordinarily I would be depressed, anxious, freaked. The dream is over.

But fuck the dream wasnt just to succeed at this, it was to succeed at succeeding.

Does that sound like bullshit?

Day to day I have different thoughts about teaching. The CAN and WANT. I think I can, I know I want. I know I can, I think I want. I dont think I can, I dont think I want. Round and round she goes.

Keep playing dr Smiths statement over and over again

"Many of you will not want to be teachers after this experience. I encourage you to listen to that voice. To decide against teaching after you have come this far is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is a sign of maturity."

And yet I still get off on it.

Is this what I want?

Time will tell.

In the meantime I shall enjoy this relaxed state, even during an otherwise stressful and anxious time

current mood: peaceful

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Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
4:14 pm - EarthCo.
What is EarthCo?

EarthCo. is a Private company established in 2077. At this time the entire Earth is privatized by a single corporation. Every aspect of life is in the hands of one single Private company, the owner of whom is a man named Aron Pratt. Simply he is called AP. Phone bills, retail stores, all goods and services in the entire world are owned by AP and EarthCo. The entire world is subjugated, and at the mercy of EarthCo. Citizens are required to have a chip implanted in their forearms (for men) and the back of the neck (for women) On this chip is a contiguous and fluid data of a persons life (personal, economic, otherwise)

Religion has been eradicated, a hegemonic peoples called EC citizens inhabit the globe. The spiritual are imprisoned. Sharing anything is a crime punishable by death.

EarthCo. employs every human being on the face of the earth. From a single source in EarthCo. headquarters located in what used to be Washington DC, a computer is used to monitor every human being simultaneously. Divorce is illegal, Organized religion is illegal, and EC has over 40,000,000 Video cameras running 24-7.

Educators may not mention God, or Mother nature, or the enviornment in anyway. EarthCo. teachers (the only kind) teach only consumerism. Any students caught sharing will be executed.

Sharing decreases the Profit. EarthCo. runs on profit alone.

EC puts out one single news station with 20 hours of commericals and 4 hours of "news"

The news consists of images of EC supporters giving testimonials as to the virtue of consumerism, and the sin of sharing anything.

In 2067, a worldwide Revolutionary group attempted to over throw the Ultra-Capitalist EC global structure. In what came to be known as "The Great Peace" in history books, and "The Great Slaughter" by the few, a man by the name of Frederick Klaus organized a revolt. The group who were 6 million strong, were called The Rebellion of Virtue. They claimed that Capitalism fostered arrogance, violence, and competition, and that EC was a fascist regime which oppressed the entire 10 billion people on the Globe.

In the years from 2067-2071 17 million people were slaughtered by EC storm troopers. Anyone even slightly associated with ROV were killed.

Pratt now has devised a plan to privatize human beings, the last of all elements of life to be privatized. Men and women can sell each other, or themselves to EC, with little restrictions.

Now in 2077 Pratt and EC have met a new resistance called RETURN TO COMMUNITY. Run by Ronald O'Flankhead RTC looks to bring love back to the globe and finally and triumphantly destroy the evil Capitalist system, a system that values profit over life, individual over community, and greed over love.

current mood: horny

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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
5:02 pm - The Area
The year: 2102
The place: Land formerly known as Washington DC
The Man: Ronald O'Flankhead

Ronald reaches the gates of EarthCo. Heavily guarded by EC Stormtroopers, covered in the strongest metallic element known to man clank their heals methodically as the boy approaches them.

"Papers." One guard says
"Yes, sir."

Ronald shows his papers to the guard.

"This is a c-3 section. You are c-9. Leave or you will be killed."

Ronald takes on step back. The guards step towards him, forcing him back. Ronald reaches for one of their guns

Suddenly ...





to be continued

current mood: bitchy

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Monday, January 28th, 2002
5:54 pm - Dreams, Flappy skin, menage a trois, and the assasination of Charles Manson.
Strange ass fucking dream last night ...

Was sent an a mission or something. Some kind of covert ops thing. We were travelling, a small group of us, one of whom would later turn out to be Bill. City street reminded me of Buffalo or Syracuse - night time - yet there was snow on the ground.

Im loading my stuff from mom and dads on to a bus. Bus wont wait for me. I am literally emptying my drawers into boxes and trying to rush onto this big ole Coach. I am able to get some stuff on, and then all of the sudden the fucker leaves. Lucky for me, his was on a long line of buses, so I can grab the next one. I start having anxiety about some of my stuff being hauled away to God knows where. So I get to the next bus driver, this woman, and I tell her that the guy just took off with my stuff and WITHOUT me. So I beg her to follow him. She gets on the CB, pretending to help. She starts procrastinating, like the 2 of em are IN ON IT!

Fucker.

Next thing I know we are on the hunt for someone. All I know is that I keep having anxiety about getting caught, I have flashforwards of being in jail for life because we killed this dude. (whoever the "target" is.)

So I start devising a plan to get out of it. I am deathly afraid of the rest of our crew (anywhere between 2 and 4 other guys) that if I dick out, or worse (and I considered this) TURN THEM IN, then I am done for. They would surely torture me.

So for some this black dude keeps bumping into me, trying to antagonize me. Before I know it, I am a kind of quasi-slave working in this shop, mixing together materials. I took my converse off as I entered. He pays us good ($20 I think) to sit next to a white bucket and mix, jello, a few pills, and some liquid shit. People are getting pulled in off the streets to help. I start mixing mine ... some funky shit starts to happen to it, like a weird energy starts to radiate from it. Then (and pretty VIVID)

A LOUD FLASH AND POP!!!

Just before the flash and pop, someone had warned frantically (Solyent Green style) "Its drugs! We're making drugs!"

So people start rushing out yelling and screaming! I run out too. People are trying to see what happened. Oh shit my shoes are still off. I rush back in. Trying not hard to look I just glance quickly. Turns out some guy mixed his and it exploded, a huge orange flame lit up his face. His skin was all flappy, like burnt and hanging off and he had his head down on the counter he worked at.

Fuck that. I ran. Didnt get far. Ran into another (same?) black dude. Had his family with him. Bill starts dancing with the adolescent daughter.

The Special Ops crew continue on our jouney. We are holed up in this real shitty house, that reminds me of what my house sometimes felt like as a kid. Large, and messy. Like a heroin den, only no heroin and no den.

So i am still trying to think of ways to get out of this. Even though theres snow, I keep hearing that its California. It is not.

So then I realize that the person we are trying to assasinate is actually Charles Manson. Cool. At least we could have a sympathetic jury, eh?

So I start to reconsider. Maybe theres a way we can get away with it. After all, it is Charles Manson, people may look the other way, rite?

So then I am upstairs in some room with this superhot black chick that looks like Halle Berry. We start fooling around. She forces a condom on me, and forces me into her. Yeehaw. I am on top of her. Then she motions for this superhot tall chick that looks like Geena Davis. Geena gets undressed, and soon as I reach for her (hubba hubba) Halle gets all bent out of shape and pushes me off of her.

So I just want some menage a trois action, why the FUCK do they have to fight?!?

So then some person knocks on the door. Turns out its some kind of customer, and we are above some kind of store. Apparently it was my responsibility to make sure the customers were taken care of so both women storm away.

Sheesh.

WTF?

current mood: nerdy

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