I am surprisingly not anxious.
All this uncertainty, all of this doubt.
And yet I am surprisingly calm, relaxed, clear.
What the fuck?
Just does not fit my MO.
Having lengthy conversations with friends also student teaching "is THIS really what I want, or cut out for?"
Ordinarily I would be depressed, anxious, freaked. The dream is over.
But fuck the dream wasnt just to succeed at this, it was to succeed at succeeding.
Does that sound like bullshit?
Day to day I have different thoughts about teaching. The CAN and WANT. I think I can, I know I want. I know I can, I think I want. I dont think I can, I dont think I want. Round and round she goes.
Keep playing dr Smiths statement over and over again
"Many of you will not want to be teachers after this experience. I encourage you to listen to that voice. To decide against teaching after you have come this far is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is a sign of maturity."
And yet I still get off on it.
Is this what I want?
Time will tell.
In the meantime I shall enjoy this relaxed state, even during an otherwise stressful and anxious time