Irresponsibility has hit me square in the head, like a five year old whacking his younger sister with a whiffle ball bat.
But what is it?
A failure to deal with adversity?
A broken down car, a few snowflakes, a rowdy 8th period, lack of sleep .... shouldnt I be able to overcome all of this? Arent I superman? Where have u gone superman?
My dirty clothes pile high, my bills await me each of them equally as tardy as expensive, my car waits to be picked up, my accound thins, my dream wavers, my desire to wake up disipates.
And yet I am superman.
I was superman.
Where did he go?
I can do anything, remember. I am superman.
So then why the fuck did I regress this morning and call Mrs pennock and tell her I was ill, just to not have to deal with ANYTHING today? Is that what other responsible people do? Had I planned I would have been ok with going in. I am deathly afraid of underplanning.
But fuck its not like I have had the time.
My car situation has given me two consecutive 18 hour stress days. Meaning the last 2 days I wasnt even settled until 10-1030 on either night. Last nite just getting home from campus was absurd. Taking the wrong fucking bus, standing outside in 8 degree weather, and 30 MPH winds, just because I cant read a fucking schedule. And I plop my ass down and what do I do when I get home. Call Julia at 9, and fall asleep at 930. Next thing I know its 530 AM. Just an hour before Jim comes get me.
No dittos. No worksheets. No idea what to say, do.
Fake an illness, superman.
Wow. Thats something every ambitious 27 year old should do.
(heres the GREAT part)
THEN sleep in until 12 Noon, stay in yer noxers, put on radiohead and cry like a bitch.
Well, my car is less than I thought, but still. I expect to run out of my nest egg by May
but theres NO fucking way Im not coming home for break. NO WAY!!!
Superman signing out ... trying to field this overwhelming feeling of guilt and ineptitude.
I said fuck you today to my horoscope.
She says to me:
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
If you've been enjoying yourself a little too much lately, today might be a good time to take a step back. No matter how much you might feel like doing your own thing and having a good time right now, other matters are likely to require your attention. And there's bound to be some things that you'll just have to deal with at this time.